So recently, this happened.
If you don't want to click the link there, let me describe it to you. Justin Bieber made a music video of his rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." It is Steampunk themed. Steampunk enthusiasts became rather unhappy about this.
I, however, saw this as a challenge. What if you took the video and removed Bieber and the movie tie-in clips? Would it become better for those who have a severe dislike of pop music? Or is it doomed forever?
This is the original video:
***WARNING: CONTAINS BIEBER AND 3D CHRISTMAS MOVIE***
And this is the "Bieber Minus Bieber" version:
CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!
(Disclaimer: I have nothing against the Bieb. His music isn't for me, but anyone willing to Steampunk it up can't be all bad. I just thought this would be a neat experiment in the "Garfield without Garfield" line of reasoning. So don't send me angry emails, tween girls, you're creepy.)
(Double disclaimer: Already mentioned where the video comes from, the music is a section from Dr. Steel's "Build the Robots." Hopefully both parties can take the joke.)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Games I Haven’t Played Reviews - Skyrim
Hello, and welcome to the first installement of Games I Haven’t Played Reviews, where I review a game without having played any of it, making my opinions from youtube videos instead, and in the end decide whether I will eventually purchase or avoid the game. This edition’s game - The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Skyrim is the latest in the popular Elder Scrolls series, taking place in the frozen Viking-themed area of the series’ kingdom. Now, I have played previous Elder Scrolls games, so I can’t honestly say that I’m completely inexperienced in the game world. I know it has a number of your basic RPG elements. Pick a class and race and go out into the world to complete side quest after side quest to gain levels and kick stronger and stronger ass.
You’ll start your game as all Elder Scrolls games begin. Imprisoned. In a few minutes, however, you’ll see the story begin and be able to choose a race. You have a number of choices: humans, elves, werewolves, cat and lizard people. The only correct choice, however, is the Dark Elves, because you can be Danny Trejo.
As for classes, there doesn’t seem to be a way to choose anymore, instead allowing you to play however you like. Of course, to be effective you’ll end up falling into one of the usual types: warrior, mage, thief. This game has added a bunch of new powers, though, allowing you to mix and match more than before. Dual-wielding was the most hyped addition, but from what I’ve seen, the most popular power is cheeseomancy.
Truly one of the best spells.
Once you’ve set your character and picked some starting equipment, you’ll get attacked right away by some of the new enemies the game has to offer. Dragons.
Apparently there’s a lot of them.
Yes, unlike the previous games where your first taste of combat is a room full of rats, this game just drops dragons on you like nobody’s business and tells you ‘deal with it.’ If you survive the initial attack and maybe defeat the dragon? I don’t know. You’ll get through it somehow and can then move on to the main storyline which is something about you being descended from dragons, so you need to kill dragons and gain dragon powers and dragons dragons dragons.
One of the dragon powers. Really loud shouting.
There doesn’t need to be much in the way of story, though, for this game to be good, since you’ll just spend all your time doing side quests and putting pots on people’s heads in order to rob them blind.
They’re like babies. No object permanence.
When not running around towns being a dick to townsfolk, your main activity in the game will be combat, in which you will die. A lot. Because not only have dragons been added to the series, but giants have come in as well, and they kill you so hard even gravity gives up on you.
“You’re on your own.” - Gravity
You can get help, though. Another addition is something Bethesda has done previously in their Fallout series, AI companions!
They’re as bright as one would expect.
If you persevere, you can get through the tough battles and gain more strength and powers, much like any rpg, and once you feel safe enough, you’ll be able to relax and take in the stunning scenery of the game. Seriously, the game looks great. Just don’t stare TOO closely, or else you might see some of the various glitches that have been occurring to players.
See if you can spot the glitch in this video. It’s subtle.
Altogether, it looks like Skyrim has a huge immersive (kinda) world, where there is a lot of good derpy fun to be had. Also, I enjoyed the previous games in the series (none of which I’ve ever finished), so my recommendation is this: if you like action-rpgs and dicking around for no reason, you’ll probably like this.
Skyrim is the latest in the popular Elder Scrolls series, taking place in the frozen Viking-themed area of the series’ kingdom. Now, I have played previous Elder Scrolls games, so I can’t honestly say that I’m completely inexperienced in the game world. I know it has a number of your basic RPG elements. Pick a class and race and go out into the world to complete side quest after side quest to gain levels and kick stronger and stronger ass.
You’ll start your game as all Elder Scrolls games begin. Imprisoned. In a few minutes, however, you’ll see the story begin and be able to choose a race. You have a number of choices: humans, elves, werewolves, cat and lizard people. The only correct choice, however, is the Dark Elves, because you can be Danny Trejo.
 |
| Why would you be anything else? |
As for classes, there doesn’t seem to be a way to choose anymore, instead allowing you to play however you like. Of course, to be effective you’ll end up falling into one of the usual types: warrior, mage, thief. This game has added a bunch of new powers, though, allowing you to mix and match more than before. Dual-wielding was the most hyped addition, but from what I’ve seen, the most popular power is cheeseomancy.
Truly one of the best spells.
Once you’ve set your character and picked some starting equipment, you’ll get attacked right away by some of the new enemies the game has to offer. Dragons.
Apparently there’s a lot of them.
Yes, unlike the previous games where your first taste of combat is a room full of rats, this game just drops dragons on you like nobody’s business and tells you ‘deal with it.’ If you survive the initial attack and maybe defeat the dragon? I don’t know. You’ll get through it somehow and can then move on to the main storyline which is something about you being descended from dragons, so you need to kill dragons and gain dragon powers and dragons dragons dragons.
One of the dragon powers. Really loud shouting.
There doesn’t need to be much in the way of story, though, for this game to be good, since you’ll just spend all your time doing side quests and putting pots on people’s heads in order to rob them blind.
They’re like babies. No object permanence.
When not running around towns being a dick to townsfolk, your main activity in the game will be combat, in which you will die. A lot. Because not only have dragons been added to the series, but giants have come in as well, and they kill you so hard even gravity gives up on you.
“You’re on your own.” - Gravity
You can get help, though. Another addition is something Bethesda has done previously in their Fallout series, AI companions!
They’re as bright as one would expect.
If you persevere, you can get through the tough battles and gain more strength and powers, much like any rpg, and once you feel safe enough, you’ll be able to relax and take in the stunning scenery of the game. Seriously, the game looks great. Just don’t stare TOO closely, or else you might see some of the various glitches that have been occurring to players.
See if you can spot the glitch in this video. It’s subtle.
Altogether, it looks like Skyrim has a huge immersive (kinda) world, where there is a lot of good derpy fun to be had. Also, I enjoyed the previous games in the series (none of which I’ve ever finished), so my recommendation is this: if you like action-rpgs and dicking around for no reason, you’ll probably like this.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
My Overly Long Reel
As some of you may know, I am an actor.
As such, I needed an acting reel. So, I made one myself.
It is way too long. Professional ones are usually about 2 minutes, but this gives me something to show off to the internet. I'll likely make a shorter one later.
Enjoy.
As such, I needed an acting reel. So, I made one myself.
It is way too long. Professional ones are usually about 2 minutes, but this gives me something to show off to the internet. I'll likely make a shorter one later.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Halloween House
November.
I hate November.
“Hey Larry, you can take the decorations down! Halloween’s over!”
I REALLY hate November.
I guess I should explain. Every year, my house is known as the best for Halloween. Whenever the neighborhood had a Halloween decoration contest, my house always won. Eventually they refused to consider my house for the running, saying that I had won too many times in the past, it was time for someone else to win. It was all fine to me, I never wanted to compete anyway. You see, I never put up any decorations, this is just the way my house is.
Sure, during October, everyone loves my house and wants tips from me. I have to buy tons of candy for all the trick-or-treaters that come my way, even. Once November 1 rolls around, though, my house goes from being the hot spot in town back to being that weird place that bleeds from the walls.
Yeah, that’s right, bleeds from the walls. Only on the inside, thankfully. Still, company doesn’t stay over very long.
Between that, the constant cobwebs, the indescribable moaning coming from inside the walls, and the spectral images in any reflective surface, I’ve become something of an outcast to anyone that has ever come over.
Outside doesn’t fare much better. Bats circle the chimney, an eerie glow is seen in the windows of rooms no one is inside, and pumpkins grow wild all over the yard. Er…
Pumpkins is the wrong word.
Jack-o-lanterns.
Jack-o-lanterns grow wild. Already with faces carved into them. Sometimes the faces seem to change from day to day, as if they’re moving while no one is watching.
I’ve been told many times to stop carving up my pumpkins in the middle of the year. “It’s March,” they say, “There’s no reason to have your pumpkins carved like that. How are you even growing them out of season?”
They just don’t seem to get it. I have no control over my house anymore. I haven’t bothered in years.
I used to, you have to understand. I used to try to cut away the jack-o-lanterns. They would just grow back twice as numerous. I used to try to clean up the cobwebs, blood, and other substances I can only assume to be some sort of ectoplasm. It all comes back twice as strong as soon as I look away. I even tried to get the house exorcised, figuring I must be on top of some ancient burial ground or similar typical curse scenario. Nothing worked, and no cause for all this has ever really been found.
So, every year, come November, I start hearing about how I “should really take down all my Halloween decorations, they’re scaring the children,” and every year I try to explain that I have lost all control over my property.
They never listen.
They always forget.
So every November: “Halloween’s over, Larry!”
God, I hate November.
Oh, and before you tell me to just move out, you try moving to a new place when no one will buy your old haunted monstrosity.
So, I’ll be here. Year after year. Quietly hating my situation.
Do come over for tea sometime. I could really use the distraction. Just, try not to mind the blood dripping down the walls.
I hate November.
“Hey Larry, you can take the decorations down! Halloween’s over!”
I REALLY hate November.
I guess I should explain. Every year, my house is known as the best for Halloween. Whenever the neighborhood had a Halloween decoration contest, my house always won. Eventually they refused to consider my house for the running, saying that I had won too many times in the past, it was time for someone else to win. It was all fine to me, I never wanted to compete anyway. You see, I never put up any decorations, this is just the way my house is.
Sure, during October, everyone loves my house and wants tips from me. I have to buy tons of candy for all the trick-or-treaters that come my way, even. Once November 1 rolls around, though, my house goes from being the hot spot in town back to being that weird place that bleeds from the walls.
Yeah, that’s right, bleeds from the walls. Only on the inside, thankfully. Still, company doesn’t stay over very long.
Between that, the constant cobwebs, the indescribable moaning coming from inside the walls, and the spectral images in any reflective surface, I’ve become something of an outcast to anyone that has ever come over.
Outside doesn’t fare much better. Bats circle the chimney, an eerie glow is seen in the windows of rooms no one is inside, and pumpkins grow wild all over the yard. Er…
Pumpkins is the wrong word.
Jack-o-lanterns.
Jack-o-lanterns grow wild. Already with faces carved into them. Sometimes the faces seem to change from day to day, as if they’re moving while no one is watching.
I’ve been told many times to stop carving up my pumpkins in the middle of the year. “It’s March,” they say, “There’s no reason to have your pumpkins carved like that. How are you even growing them out of season?”
They just don’t seem to get it. I have no control over my house anymore. I haven’t bothered in years.
I used to, you have to understand. I used to try to cut away the jack-o-lanterns. They would just grow back twice as numerous. I used to try to clean up the cobwebs, blood, and other substances I can only assume to be some sort of ectoplasm. It all comes back twice as strong as soon as I look away. I even tried to get the house exorcised, figuring I must be on top of some ancient burial ground or similar typical curse scenario. Nothing worked, and no cause for all this has ever really been found.
So, every year, come November, I start hearing about how I “should really take down all my Halloween decorations, they’re scaring the children,” and every year I try to explain that I have lost all control over my property.
They never listen.
They always forget.
So every November: “Halloween’s over, Larry!”
God, I hate November.
Oh, and before you tell me to just move out, you try moving to a new place when no one will buy your old haunted monstrosity.
So, I’ll be here. Year after year. Quietly hating my situation.
Do come over for tea sometime. I could really use the distraction. Just, try not to mind the blood dripping down the walls.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Deep Games
Little bit of a cop-out this time, as I just want to share some videos I made recently for a website I stream on, Deepgamers.com. A place where people stream videogames, while others watch and chat. Most of us are terrible people, so be warned if you decide to go there.
Anyway, a long time ago, one of the other streamers, going by the name CANADA, recorded a fake Wendy's narration. Another member of the site, PneumaticHat, put sexy music onto it. I then added video. So enjoy the best commercial ever:
Oh, and if you need proof as to how terrible we are, just look at this:
Dman (the owner of the site) doesn't even answer when his grandma calls. Tsk.
Next time, I'll try to actually write something.
Anyway, a long time ago, one of the other streamers, going by the name CANADA, recorded a fake Wendy's narration. Another member of the site, PneumaticHat, put sexy music onto it. I then added video. So enjoy the best commercial ever:
Oh, and if you need proof as to how terrible we are, just look at this:
Dman (the owner of the site) doesn't even answer when his grandma calls. Tsk.
Next time, I'll try to actually write something.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Musings of a Street-Thug
These are the excerpts from a journal that washed up along the East River. The author is still unknown.
May 13: Had a pretty good run today. Managed to snatch a purse while crossing 32nd. She screamed a lot, but it was pretty easy to lose the cops in the crowd. Heard a rumor from some of my buddies that some kid calling himself bug-man or something is swinging around like Tarzan and getting people thrown in jail. I think they’ve been smoking too much.
May 20: A bunch of the guys have all ended up in prison for petty robbery and the like. It’s like someone’s cleaning up the neighborhood. Allen keeps yelling about some giant spider he saw one night. I keep telling him I cleaned the bathroom, we don’t get spiders in there anymore. Besides, I’ve never seen a red and blue spider before. I think I might need to take him to the hospital, he might have gone crazy.
June 1: Ok, I believe it now. I saw a guy break into a jewelry store nearby and that red and blue masked guy came swinging in on some fishing line and beat the crap out of everyone. Kept making jokes as he was doing it, too. Weird stuff. The newspapers are getting some blurry pictures of him, calling him Spider-Man. I wonder why they use the dash in the name. I mean, wouldn’t it be easier to type Spiderman? This is why I dropped out of my journalism major in college.
June 20: Been too afraid to go out and work. I’ve been a thief for years, it’s all I know how to do anymore, and in about a month, this Spider-Guy has completely wrecked my income. Some of the others are getting fed up, too. Rumor has it that there’s some guys willing to take down the Spider and give guys like me the grunt work while he’s distracted. Some guy calling himself a Goblin, and another guy with a fishbowl on his head. I guess you have to dress weird to get another weird guy’s attention. Anyway, this could be the break I need to get some work without having to worry about getting thrown in jail.
June 24: Met with one of the flashy costume guys. Big deal coming up. Don’t want to risk the details in here, all very hush-hush. I’m excited to get back to work, though these villain/hero dramatics are kind of annoying.
July 5: It’s been days since my last entry. Writing here in the hopes that if I die here, someone knows what happened. The heist was over a week ago, I’m sure all the details about that have been put out by now. No real secrets when it comes to superhero adventures. Turns out I had things backwards, though. I thought the bank heist was the main goal, and that the boss was just the organizer and distraction for Spider-Man, giving us the opening to get away with the money. How it really went was that we were bait. He wanted to lure out Spider-Man so he could fight and kill him with those bombs made out of Halloween decorations. We were pawns. Worthless. He even let Spider-Man rough us all up a bit before even showing up, the green bastard. I only just got away into the getaway car, nearly died going for it, too. Everyone else was already covered in the webbing goop. Covering their faces, it looked like they couldn’t even breathe.
I hope Tim’s ok. Kid’s got asthma.
God, here I am writing about the others, I don’t know what happened after that for them. My story continued in the car. I drove away from the fight as fast I could, but it wasn’t long before he was back on my tail.
I panicked. Went straight for the Brooklyn Bridge. I was a sitting duck there. He webbed up the car, I got out, and somehow found myself stuck to the side of the bridge. I don’t remember if I tried to jump, or if he put me here on purpose, but I’m still stuck on the North side of the bridge. Just underneath, in a little spot no one can really see from the boats.
I was able to wriggle my hands free this morning, which gave me some hope, but nothing I can do will get me out of this mess. It’s hardened into something strong as steel, even the knife I carry on me won’t cut it. I can’t even try anymore, since the knife fell and is at the bottom of the river at this point. I’ll try to sleep again, and resume my yells for help tomorrow.
July 6: Voice is broken and hoarse. Can’t yell any more. Tried tossing some items down at the boats to get someone’s attention. Nothing worked. I’m going to kill every spider I see if I get out of this alive.
July 7: Could barely sleep. Dreams haunted by that spider. In the dream he grows gigantic, towering over me. Laughing. Always laughing. Quipping at me like my life is part of some meaningless game. Like I’m an extra in a movie or something. Why couldn’t he have just called the police? I’d much rather be in jail than this. Drinking what rainwater falls near me, and slowly starving. Feeling weak again. Will write later
July ?: Not sure how long I slept. Everything’s blurry. Hope is low. He did this on purpose. Left me here to die. He doesn’t leave criminals for the police, he just wraps them up and leaves, letting them waste away. It’s just luck that the cops find them. Either that or he left me here as revenge for getting away from him at the beginni-
Day unknown. Might be August. Dropped pen. Writing with rust and blood. Have been eating shirt and bird waste. Thank still rainwater to drink. All alone. Might be losing mind. Hear him speak to me even now. Saw balloon with his face on it and billboard for a musical. He is on Broadway. Why do they celebrate a murderer? He has killed me. I never killed anyone, only stole. He is ruthless. Cheerful in it. Mocking me as I die.
Say goodnight Gracie Say Goodnight Gracie Say GoodNight gracie SaY GoodnIght Gracie SAY goodnight GRACIE say goodnight gracie Saygoodni ght grac ie saygoodnightgraciesaygoodnight gracie say goodnight Gracie say goodnight gracie Say Goodnight
The rest of the writing becomes scribbled and unintelligible, soon trailing off to just a weak, thin line. Rescue crews have searched the entirety of the Brooklyn Bridge, no sign of the author has been found. -JJJ
May 13: Had a pretty good run today. Managed to snatch a purse while crossing 32nd. She screamed a lot, but it was pretty easy to lose the cops in the crowd. Heard a rumor from some of my buddies that some kid calling himself bug-man or something is swinging around like Tarzan and getting people thrown in jail. I think they’ve been smoking too much.
May 20: A bunch of the guys have all ended up in prison for petty robbery and the like. It’s like someone’s cleaning up the neighborhood. Allen keeps yelling about some giant spider he saw one night. I keep telling him I cleaned the bathroom, we don’t get spiders in there anymore. Besides, I’ve never seen a red and blue spider before. I think I might need to take him to the hospital, he might have gone crazy.
June 1: Ok, I believe it now. I saw a guy break into a jewelry store nearby and that red and blue masked guy came swinging in on some fishing line and beat the crap out of everyone. Kept making jokes as he was doing it, too. Weird stuff. The newspapers are getting some blurry pictures of him, calling him Spider-Man. I wonder why they use the dash in the name. I mean, wouldn’t it be easier to type Spiderman? This is why I dropped out of my journalism major in college.
June 20: Been too afraid to go out and work. I’ve been a thief for years, it’s all I know how to do anymore, and in about a month, this Spider-Guy has completely wrecked my income. Some of the others are getting fed up, too. Rumor has it that there’s some guys willing to take down the Spider and give guys like me the grunt work while he’s distracted. Some guy calling himself a Goblin, and another guy with a fishbowl on his head. I guess you have to dress weird to get another weird guy’s attention. Anyway, this could be the break I need to get some work without having to worry about getting thrown in jail.
June 24: Met with one of the flashy costume guys. Big deal coming up. Don’t want to risk the details in here, all very hush-hush. I’m excited to get back to work, though these villain/hero dramatics are kind of annoying.
July 5: It’s been days since my last entry. Writing here in the hopes that if I die here, someone knows what happened. The heist was over a week ago, I’m sure all the details about that have been put out by now. No real secrets when it comes to superhero adventures. Turns out I had things backwards, though. I thought the bank heist was the main goal, and that the boss was just the organizer and distraction for Spider-Man, giving us the opening to get away with the money. How it really went was that we were bait. He wanted to lure out Spider-Man so he could fight and kill him with those bombs made out of Halloween decorations. We were pawns. Worthless. He even let Spider-Man rough us all up a bit before even showing up, the green bastard. I only just got away into the getaway car, nearly died going for it, too. Everyone else was already covered in the webbing goop. Covering their faces, it looked like they couldn’t even breathe.
I hope Tim’s ok. Kid’s got asthma.
God, here I am writing about the others, I don’t know what happened after that for them. My story continued in the car. I drove away from the fight as fast I could, but it wasn’t long before he was back on my tail.
I panicked. Went straight for the Brooklyn Bridge. I was a sitting duck there. He webbed up the car, I got out, and somehow found myself stuck to the side of the bridge. I don’t remember if I tried to jump, or if he put me here on purpose, but I’m still stuck on the North side of the bridge. Just underneath, in a little spot no one can really see from the boats.
I was able to wriggle my hands free this morning, which gave me some hope, but nothing I can do will get me out of this mess. It’s hardened into something strong as steel, even the knife I carry on me won’t cut it. I can’t even try anymore, since the knife fell and is at the bottom of the river at this point. I’ll try to sleep again, and resume my yells for help tomorrow.
July 6: Voice is broken and hoarse. Can’t yell any more. Tried tossing some items down at the boats to get someone’s attention. Nothing worked. I’m going to kill every spider I see if I get out of this alive.
July 7: Could barely sleep. Dreams haunted by that spider. In the dream he grows gigantic, towering over me. Laughing. Always laughing. Quipping at me like my life is part of some meaningless game. Like I’m an extra in a movie or something. Why couldn’t he have just called the police? I’d much rather be in jail than this. Drinking what rainwater falls near me, and slowly starving. Feeling weak again. Will write later
July ?: Not sure how long I slept. Everything’s blurry. Hope is low. He did this on purpose. Left me here to die. He doesn’t leave criminals for the police, he just wraps them up and leaves, letting them waste away. It’s just luck that the cops find them. Either that or he left me here as revenge for getting away from him at the beginni-
Day unknown. Might be August. Dropped pen. Writing with rust and blood. Have been eating shirt and bird waste. Thank still rainwater to drink. All alone. Might be losing mind. Hear him speak to me even now. Saw balloon with his face on it and billboard for a musical. He is on Broadway. Why do they celebrate a murderer? He has killed me. I never killed anyone, only stole. He is ruthless. Cheerful in it. Mocking me as I die.
Say goodnight Gracie Say Goodnight Gracie Say GoodNight gracie SaY GoodnIght Gracie SAY goodnight GRACIE say goodnight gracie Saygoodni ght grac ie saygoodnightgraciesaygoodnight gracie say goodnight Gracie say goodnight gracie Say Goodnight
The rest of the writing becomes scribbled and unintelligible, soon trailing off to just a weak, thin line. Rescue crews have searched the entirety of the Brooklyn Bridge, no sign of the author has been found. -JJJ
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Missed Connections
Looking for a Bro
You were the totally rad bro doing a keg stand at Larry’s party, I was the dude at the beer pong table. When I saw you there upside-down with your frosted tips, popped collar, and backwards visor, I couldn’t help but think, “Dude, that there is a true bro, man.” So, give me a call if you want to hang out and do bro stuff. Nothing gay, though, I only did that stuff as initiation into Alpha Kappa Gamma.
LFG
You: the healer outside the Elven spawn point. Me: the lvl80 knight heading towards PvP. I saw you the other day, idling outside the spawn. I wished I could have stayed to chat, as your avatar was so gorgeous I actually dropped my entire bag of cheese puffs. If you are even half as beautiful irl, then maybe I should have postponed the guild’s raid (haha, just kidding, they needed me if they were to get any epic items). Anyway, contact me if you want to go out sometime. I can get my mom to drive us in the minivan to whatever LARP event you’d like.
Awesome
I’ve never met you, you’ve never met me, but we’re both awesome. Lets be awesome together.
Playground
You were in the sandbox, building a castle, I was the guy with the unmarked white van. I have candy, come on over. NOTE: Dear police department, stop calling me, I’m not looking for you.
Not easy being Felt
I was the hand puppet in the museum gift shop, you had your hand in me for at least an hour. So much time in intimate contact and not even a “How are you?” or a “Thank you” afterwards? Despite this, I have to admit, no one else has been able to animate me like you did. Hoping to see you again. I’ll even spring for some new ping-pong ball eyes.
Let’s fight some fires
You: the Dachund on a walk. Me: The fire hydrant on the corner of 8th and 13th. I don’t know how you knew I was into that, but CALL ME.
Yiff
Me: in the full size badger outfit. You: the perfect copy of Scruff McGruff. I know it’s impossible to tell what gender you are underneath that costume, nor am I even certain of my own. Also, I’m pretty sure you were a lost mascot who somehow wandered into the convention. Still, though, I’d love to take a bite out of crime with you.
Obsolete?
Not looking for romance, but I’ve seen you around. I’ve heard them call you HDDVD. I’m Betamax. We should really hang out sometime. There’s a whole club of us. Laserdisk is there every week and sometimes he brings cupcakes. Just look out for 8-track, get him started and he won’t shut up about the “old glory days.”
Take a trip with me
You: a pink and purple pony beckoning me to a spirit quest. I: had just licked some cool frog. It wore off way too quick, though. Find me again sometime, I’d love to jump rainbows with you.
Please PLEASE find me
Me: the internet. You: common human decency. I’ve heard tales of you, but we’ve never met. I’m desperate, though. I can’t take many more shock videos or youtube commenters.
Just a little recognition
You: the immensely popular original. Me: the straight to DVD sequel. I look up to you so much, yet all I ever get is the cold shoulder. If we got together I’m sure we could make a third movie that would at least be in theatres for a week or so. Let’s go for a trilogy. Please?
Dangerous
Hi, I’m antimatter. I’ve seen you around the cosmos, I think they said your name is matter. I’ve got to say I’m incredibly attracted to you. Let’s ignore the warnings and go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?
Thanks to Heather Gilbert for helping me come up with some of these horrible things.
Apologies to Heather Gilbert for connecting her name with these horrible things.
You were the totally rad bro doing a keg stand at Larry’s party, I was the dude at the beer pong table. When I saw you there upside-down with your frosted tips, popped collar, and backwards visor, I couldn’t help but think, “Dude, that there is a true bro, man.” So, give me a call if you want to hang out and do bro stuff. Nothing gay, though, I only did that stuff as initiation into Alpha Kappa Gamma.
LFG
You: the healer outside the Elven spawn point. Me: the lvl80 knight heading towards PvP. I saw you the other day, idling outside the spawn. I wished I could have stayed to chat, as your avatar was so gorgeous I actually dropped my entire bag of cheese puffs. If you are even half as beautiful irl, then maybe I should have postponed the guild’s raid (haha, just kidding, they needed me if they were to get any epic items). Anyway, contact me if you want to go out sometime. I can get my mom to drive us in the minivan to whatever LARP event you’d like.
Awesome
I’ve never met you, you’ve never met me, but we’re both awesome. Lets be awesome together.
Playground
You were in the sandbox, building a castle, I was the guy with the unmarked white van. I have candy, come on over. NOTE: Dear police department, stop calling me, I’m not looking for you.
Not easy being Felt
I was the hand puppet in the museum gift shop, you had your hand in me for at least an hour. So much time in intimate contact and not even a “How are you?” or a “Thank you” afterwards? Despite this, I have to admit, no one else has been able to animate me like you did. Hoping to see you again. I’ll even spring for some new ping-pong ball eyes.
Let’s fight some fires
You: the Dachund on a walk. Me: The fire hydrant on the corner of 8th and 13th. I don’t know how you knew I was into that, but CALL ME.
Yiff
Me: in the full size badger outfit. You: the perfect copy of Scruff McGruff. I know it’s impossible to tell what gender you are underneath that costume, nor am I even certain of my own. Also, I’m pretty sure you were a lost mascot who somehow wandered into the convention. Still, though, I’d love to take a bite out of crime with you.
Obsolete?
Not looking for romance, but I’ve seen you around. I’ve heard them call you HDDVD. I’m Betamax. We should really hang out sometime. There’s a whole club of us. Laserdisk is there every week and sometimes he brings cupcakes. Just look out for 8-track, get him started and he won’t shut up about the “old glory days.”
Take a trip with me
You: a pink and purple pony beckoning me to a spirit quest. I: had just licked some cool frog. It wore off way too quick, though. Find me again sometime, I’d love to jump rainbows with you.
Please PLEASE find me
Me: the internet. You: common human decency. I’ve heard tales of you, but we’ve never met. I’m desperate, though. I can’t take many more shock videos or youtube commenters.
Just a little recognition
You: the immensely popular original. Me: the straight to DVD sequel. I look up to you so much, yet all I ever get is the cold shoulder. If we got together I’m sure we could make a third movie that would at least be in theatres for a week or so. Let’s go for a trilogy. Please?
Dangerous
Hi, I’m antimatter. I’ve seen you around the cosmos, I think they said your name is matter. I’ve got to say I’m incredibly attracted to you. Let’s ignore the warnings and go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?
Thanks to Heather Gilbert for helping me come up with some of these horrible things.
Apologies to Heather Gilbert for connecting her name with these horrible things.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Holiday Wilderness Survival Guide
Thank you for purchasing the latest in our series of survival guides aimed at making sure you aren’t taken by surprise by the numerous mythological and supernatural creatures that inhabit this world. If you’ve already read some of our other guides, including “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits,” “Supernatural Survival - When ‘Who You Gonna Call’ Doesn’t Cut It,” and “Great Old Ones - When The Deep Timeless Void Fhtagn’s Your Day;” then you already know the extensive detail our researchers go into to make sure you survive your encounters.
In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.
So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.
Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”
Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.
Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.
Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.
Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.
Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.
Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.
Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.
In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.
So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.
Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”
Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.
Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.
Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.
Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.
Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.
Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.
Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.
Monday, February 14, 2011
WTF Batman
This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
This one’s the best, though.
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
Or is it the grappling hook?
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
I’m Batman
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
I’m Batman. This is a batarang.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!
This one’s the best, though.
I’m Bat…what is this?
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
I’m Grim Reaper Batman.
Or is it the grappling hook?
I’m Batman. I can climb real high.
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
I’m overburdened!
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Corrections
We would like to offer our sincere apologies and make retractions for the following mistakes readers have pointed out in previous editions of our paper:
Last Tuesday, p7, in our story on underdogs overcoming the odds, Mrs. Edna Harkinson actually described her status with her siblings as “the runt of the litter.” We apologize for the typo and profanity.
Yesterday, p1, our cover story about the fire on Watson street should have contained a picture of the event. Due to an oversight error, a picture of one of our reporters drunk and without pants was run instead.
Monday, p13, in the classifieds section we unwittingly ran an ad for “Adolph’s ovens.” We believed this was an actual kitchen appliance manufacturer, when in reality it was a horrible hoax. We will show more quality control in our future ads.
Wednesday, p4, we reported that the recent murders uptown were committed by a suspect described as “qgyrjhbahlajhr jqaryola vbayrbklliur.” This was due to an editor’s cat walking on their keyboard. We would like to offer a very sincere apology to Mr. Jqaryola for the unintended defamation.
Last Sunday, p7, in our story on Mount Rushmore, it was erroneously reported that the faces on the mountain were of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Marc Summers. Marc Summers is, of course, a TV show host, and not a former President.
Thursday, p3/p9, we accidentally described the “Over 80’s Ladies Book Club” as “a ravenous den of bloodthirsty creatures, hellbent on the destruction of our entire civilization.” This, of course, belonged to our report on the threat of a den of rabid bears outside of town, which received the description of the book club, “a group of elderly women dedicated to reading and who adore having visitors stop by unexpectedly.” We would like to apologize to the book club for the angry mob who came after them, and to the families of those murdered while bringing tea and casseroles to the rabid bear den.
Yesterday, p17, our heartfelt apologies to everyone related to those mentioned in our obituary page. All of the pictures of the deceased were instead replaced with pictures from our story on slaughterhouses.
Thursday, p12, Little Jackie Young has won the county spelling bee three times, not two.
One final correction, for the past 12 years, we’ve misprinted the price of our paper as 75 cents, when it has actually been $1. Anyone who has been purchasing our paper within that time can send the remainder of what they owe to our head offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Half-Assed Recipe Time
Recently, for a holiday potluck party, I decided to do something special and make some savory treats for my friends. They came out somewhat unique and were a big hit, so I'm going to share the recipe with you. One problem, though:
I don't measure anything.
So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.
First, gather your ingredients:
You will need:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)
There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.
Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.
Roll it out and cut out circles. You'll be folding the circles in half, so make sure that the size of half a circle is as big as you want the finished meat pie to be. Something I noticed when I made these is that they are actually better tasting at a smaller size. So, either plan to use these as semi-large hors d'oeuvres, or to have a couple of them for a meal.
Now for the fun part:
I don't measure anything.
So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.
JUSTICE MEAT PIES
First, gather your ingredients:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)
There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.
Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.
Now for the fun part:
Stuff the circles!
You won't need much, unless you're going against my advice and making some gigantic meat pies. Just a little bit of each ingredient, not even a full spoonful. Some meat, veggies, potato, cheese, all piled in the center of the circle. Don't let it get too close to the edge or you'll have trouble closing it, and not too high or else you'll overstuff it. Since there were going to be some vegetarians at the party, I made sure they could have some pies as well:
I just made sure to not put meat in theirs.
Now, be sure not to overstuff these things, or else they'll pop in the oven and you'll just have a little ball of dough with all of the insides leaking out next to it. It'll probably happen anyway, but a small leak due to a slight overstuffing is better than a really overstuffed pie that just has everything leaking everywhere.
Small mess > big mess
That's all I'm really trying to say there.
You might notice that I have my dough on some little plastic things. Those plastic trays actually fold over and crimp the edges of the dough for me, removing a whole step from the process for me. If you don't have those, don't worry, you don't need them.
Now that you have the small pile of delicious in your dough, brush a little egg wash around the edge of the dough, and fold it in half. If you don't have the fancy crimping thing I do, just take a fork and press the edges together with it, the egg wash will act as a glue to hold the whole thing together.
Be sure to poke a hole or two in the pastry to let out steam while it cooks, or else you'll get those leaks I was talking about earlier. You don't want those. Holes are important. I can't stress this enough. Make holes.
Also, brush some egg wash on top of the pastry. It'll give you a nice golden brown when you bake it. It can also serve as a glue in case you decide to do like I did:
I had extra dough which I used to put letters on the pies. Since the party was a bunch of members of Justice Productions, the word Justice was the only natural choice. I had a system, too. Consonants (J,S,T,C) had the meat and vowels (U,I,E) were vegetarian.
In the end, with the amount of dough I had, I was able to make somewhere around 20-30 pies. I still had tons of ingredients left over, so if you make around as much as I did in that first picture, you'll have enough to make way more than 30 small pies. Enough for just about any party.
As for baking, just bake like the instructions on the box of dough should say. Usually around 350 or 450 for about 20 minutes. You'll know they're done when they reach a nice golden brown.
The numbers aren't important. Measuring, timing, etc. I do none of that. This is easy to make, just have fun and know what to look for and you'll do fine.
Or burn everything.
GOOD LUCK!
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