Sunday, August 5, 2012

The people vs. the 1980s

In a stunning decision, the courts have allowed the trial to begin. This will mark the first time in history that a portion of history gets put on trial for what the prosecution claims to be ‘crimes against humanity.’ The defendants claim that the actions taken by the 1980s have caused severe damage to the overall psyche of humanity, and are asking for over $2mil for damages and pain and suffering caused.

Speaking with the prosecutions’ lawyers, they cite the evidence to be overwhelming for the ‘80s guilt.

“Anyone who lived through the ‘80s rampage knows that it was terrible time.” states the head lawyer on the case, Darrel Finkelbottom. “It was a decade that forced bad decisions on as many people as possible. We still don’t understand exactly why it did this, probably out of some deranged psychopathic mindset. I mean, what else could cause atrocities such as the cocaine epidemic, AIDS, and day-glo clothing? The trauma we endured during the ‘80s has had a lasting effect, and we have been trying to move away from it culturally as soon as we reached the 1990s. Even I wasn’t immune to the horrible effects the ‘80s forced on us all.“ At this point, Mr. Finkelbottom handed me a picture of himself as a younger man, wearing overly bright colors, a backwards hat, and a mullet. “I haven’t been able to live that image down since,“ he said, while wiping a tear from his cheek, “despite the massive amounts of therapy. In my personal opinion, the two million sought after in damages is far too low a number.”

The lawyer for the defendant, however, painted a completely different picture.

“Do you have any idea how many advances happened during the ‘80s?” stated Carl Jonathan, a lawyer who was used to defending such odd cases, as he ran the defense for both the trials ‘People vs. Satan’ last year and ‘People vs. God’ the year before that. Both times using humanity’s free will as the point proving his defendants’ innocence. “Computing advanced by leaps, the arts pushed boundaries, children were being entertained and educated as never before. Show me one person today who lived through the ‘80s who doesn’t find themselves singing ‘Take On Me’ in the car. Mistakes were made, sure, but the culture is beloved even to this day. Why do you think TV execs keep rebooting classic shows from the time? Don’t tell me it’s because of the cocaine, either, it’s because we still love those shows. They’re classics! As for politics? These so-called ‘crimes against humanity?’ The prosecution seems to forget that the Cold War came to an end due to actions of the ‘80s. Not to mention the fall of the Berlin Wall. Sure, Hasselhoff was on top of it, but that’s more due to Germany than the direct involvement of the ‘80s. This is nothing more than another case where people are trying to make a scapegoat to avoid their own responsibilities.”

However this trial turns out, it is this reporter’s humble opinion that it will be in the history books for a long time. We’ll cover this story more as it develops.