WTF Batman

This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.

I’m Batman

I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.

First off, there’s his face:

I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY

WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?

But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.

Where it really gets dumb is the items.

I’m Batman. This is a batarang.

Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.

Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.

So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!

This one’s the best, though.

I’m Bat…what is this?

Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?

I’m Grim Reaper Batman.

Or is it the grappling hook?

I’m Batman. I can climb real high.

So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.

I’m overburdened!

None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.

Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.