Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Holiday Wilderness Survival Guide

Thank you for purchasing the latest in our series of survival guides aimed at making sure you aren’t taken by surprise by the numerous mythological and supernatural creatures that inhabit this world. If you’ve already read some of our other guides, including “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits,” “Supernatural Survival - When ‘Who You Gonna Call’ Doesn’t Cut It,” and “Great Old Ones - When The Deep Timeless Void Fhtagn’s Your Day;” then you already know the extensive detail our researchers go into to make sure you survive your encounters.

In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.

So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.

Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”

Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.

Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.

Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.

Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.

Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.

Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.

Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.