Sunday, December 2, 2012

A Guide to Falling Down a Bottomless Pit

When you find yourself falling down a bottomless pit, you tend to ask a lot of questions.

Not at first, of course. At first you’re all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and the like, but eventually you run out of breath and have to think for a second. Of course, you’re likely to just start screaming again, but eventually you’ll adjust to the new sensations and the questions will begin.

It starts simple: “How long until I hit the bottom and die?”

This is a stupid question. You’re in a bottomless pit. It’s stated right in the name that there is no bottom, so there is nothing at the end for you to hit.

This will then lead to questions about the pit. If there’s no bottom, then would one die if they started hitting the sides? Would I eventually starve to death? How is it physically possible for a pit to have no bottom? If it really doesn’t have a bottom, does it just reach to the center of the planet? And if so, will I eventually stop falling and just hover somewhere in the middle when I reach the center of gravity?

You won’t really find any answers to these questions, since the eventualities will never happen.

Except maybe that bit about hitting the sides, if you’re brave/dumb/crazy enough to angle your descent and go crashing into the walls on your way down. You can get an answer for that one, and the answer is “JESUS, OW.”

After the period of questioning the pit, you will begin to question yourself.

“How did I end up in this pit?” “Why didn’t I bring a parachute?” “Hey, could I spit from here and just watch the loogie hover next to me?”

Eventually you’ll become bored with questioning yourself. Usually right after you end up getting a face full of loogie.

From that point, you’ll start pondering the questions of the cosmos, life, the universe, love, everything. You’ve found yourself with an unlimited amount of time, so don’t be afraid to get into the really deep questioning, or to spend hours, days, months, or years solving just one problem.

It will take time, but enlightenment will come.

The Buddha found his under a tree, yours will come in an endless freefall. With nothing else to do, it’s bound to happen eventually.

Unfortunately, enlightenment won’t cure your boredom. The same blurs rushing past you, the same sensation of terminal velocity, you’ve encountered all this before and you’ll see it over and over again for all time.

This is about when the madness sets in.

Your mind will be forced to find ways to amuse itself. It will most likely end up being at your expense. Expect to have hallucinations of all kind: auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory, and that really awful one where it feels like you have to sneeze but no sneeze will ever come.

This phase will last the longest, as no one has yet gotten past it to discover what comes next. We do however know that when you reach the peak of madness, you’ll start performing actions that will clearly show the deterioration of your mind.

Actions like writing a guide about being trapped in a bottomless pit, for example.

Well, that used up a few minutes. Now what shall I do?

I guess I’ll scream some more.