Saturday, November 28, 2009

Well, it’s that time of year again. It comes earlier and earlier every year, and unsurprisingly it began even before Halloween this year. That’s right, I’m talking about those blasted holidays. The time where everyone loses their minds entirely over CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS BUY SHIT HOLY CRAP IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have any problems with the holidays in general. A time of year where the family gets together for good or ill, feasting and festing for over a month, then wrapping it all up with the idea of getting a fresh start in a new year. All of that sounds great. Unfortunately, that all gets buried under tons and tons of nonsense. Things like how you need to buy this shiny fancy new thing for those you care about or they’ll never love you ever ever again, or morons crying about an imaginary “war on Christmas” because they believe their holiday and way of life is more important than anyone else’s. A bit of a selfish line of thinking for a season described as one of giving, isn’t it?

It’s this same overblown defense of a holiday in absolutely no danger that had me wondering recently: where the hell did this start? How could anyone come to the conclusion that anyone was out to annihilate Christmas?

Then I figured it out.

Christmas specials.

Every year, kids watch specials on TV, where CHRISTMAS IS IN DANGER AND ONLY (insert name here) CAN SAVE IT. Ernest, Elmo, Tim Allen, a ragtag group of kids, Air Bud’s puppies, the list goes on. There was even a porno made with the theme of saving Christmas! It’s been pounded into impressionable minds for years that every year some maniacal jerk is going to come out of the woodwork and kill Santa, curb stomp baby Jesus, or burn down every toy store in the country.

My theory is that these same kids grew up and found themselves ready to fight for their holiday like they’d seen in so many adventures, but in a world where no one really gave enough of a crap to even try to stop Christmas from happening. When one is so intent on believing that an enemy could strike at any time, but no enemy exists, inventing one is the next best thing. Thus, every story about some neighborhood scrooge, every time Christmas isn’t treated like the only holiday of the season, it is all taken as attacks from this unseen monster bent on destroying their beloved celebration and we get to watch them go insane.

If these people could just look around clearly for a second, they might notice that their holiday is safe as can be. It’s already eaten all of December and November and caused the day after Thanksgiving to be one of the finest examples of humanity at its worst. It has power.

So please, if anyone reading this is upset that their precious Christmas is being attacked, do me a favor and shut up. I’d like to keep my Octobers for creepiness and my Novembers for gluttony.

Besides, do you really want to defend a holiday that causes things like this to happen?

I didn’t think so.

If that video wasn’t enough to get you to hate those kids, try going here and seeing some of their other cheers. I recommend ‘Vegetarian RSVP’ for an extra dose of rage.

After all that pain, I need something to make me feel better about the world…

Ahh. Much better.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Tobasco: Now With Radiation!

Seriously, is this not one of the most terrifying commercials you've ever seen?

It's like a mix of the Blue Man Group, a barbershop quartet, and my goddamn nightmares. It's also incredibly catchy, so you can find yourself singing the song later and reliving the terror of having your food come alive all over again.

I'm not going to just drop something like that on you and run, though. So here's a nice palette cleanser:


Friday, October 16, 2009

Seth MacFarlane Craps Gold

Recently I’ve had the unique situation fall in my lap to watch Fox’s Sunday night lineup, the continuation of their ‘Animation Domination’ block. Now, Fox has had a long history of airing cartoons on Sunday night. It’s general knowledge that The Simpsons has been in that block since what feels like the beginning of time. It is also common knowledge that when the network comes across a formula that makes money, they will repeat it ad nauseum (as any network will do, they are looking to make a profit after all). The first time they did this with their cartoon block, it resulted with letting Futurama on the air. The premise for this being that since Matt Groening made The Simpsons, and that show was profitable (read: prints money), his other show must be the same.

Of course, that show had a somewhat different formula, so it was eventually axed (the fate of most good things on Fox).

This time, they’ve managed to find such a winning formula that they can air what is essentially the same show three times in a row. It should be obvious I’m talking about the Family Guy formula; the formula of basic sitcom family comedy that’s used in Family Guy, American Dad, and the new spinoff The Cleveland Show.

Now, I enjoyed Family Guy when it first came out. Its odd sense of humor struck me, and I followed it as much as I could until it was cancelled and after it was rerun on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block. When it came back on the air, I was excited at first, but that faded within the first episode of the new season when they got too self-referential and non sequitor (they always had some non sequitor jokes, but the first episodes at least had more related to the plot of the day). American Dad was pretty enjoyable too, nothing really new, but took the formula from Family Guy and put it in a different enough setting to allow for different stories.

The Cleveland Show, however, seems to be bringing nothing new to the table. I know it’s still pretty new, so I may be surprised later on, but so far it gives me the impression that if you replaced The Cleveland Show’s cast with Family Guy’s there would be little to no discernable difference. To prove this theory, let’s play a little game. Take a look at the following scenarios and try to guess which ones came from Family Guy and which came from The Cleveland Show:

Dad remembers that one time in college when he was roommates with the Elephant Man.

Dad teaches one of the kids how to look up skirts without being caught.

Parents accidentally get another family’s kid taken away by child services, problem solved with huge gunfight.

Incredibly flamboyant shoe shopping montage.

Cutaway joke to caveman training dogs.

Give up? Ok, I lied, they’re all from The Cleveland Show. Could you figure it out? I know I couldn’t, and I was watching them as they happened. For almost the entirety of my time watching the show, I kept finding myself expecting it to cut back to the Griffins doing something retarded.

If you’re a die-hard fan of Family Guy, you’ll more than likely love this show as well. If you’ve grown to hate Family Guy, avoid it like the plague. Either way, Seth MacFarlane has found himself in a position to sit on a golden throne and burn money for warmth, all from having the same idea over and over. If this continues, look forward to watching the Fox ALL SETH ALL THE TIME lineup and the new Greased-Up Deaf Guy Show.

Yeah. I’m calling it.

The Cleveland Show
3/5 Overall
0/5 for originality

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Introductions and Promises Yet to be Broken

Welcome to my head.

I'd make a better introduction, explaining viewpoints and mission statements and things along those lines, but I know better. The main content of this blog (probably the ONLY content) will just be the things that pour out of my rattled brain. Rants about ridiculous things I find, imagined outrages, reviews of whatever I happen to find entertaining at the time (or absolutely terrible).

Standard internet fare, really.

Don't fall under the assumption that this place will be the exact same information, ideas, and humor that you can find just about anywhere else online, though. Unless of course I completely run out of ideas and turn out to be a shit writer after all.

Now I'm sure you're wondering (because as the author here I can assume thoughts in your head and there's nothing you can do about it) just as I did, "Why exactly did you start this blog if you aren't even certain of your writing abilities? Are you just another internet hack?" These questions can be answered in three parts:

1. Shut up.
2. Maybe.
3. The real reason I've started this is to work on my writing abilities. To improve and grow as a writer, and along the way get a number of rants out of my system.

It's been a constant theme whenever I'm out and about with others that I'll inevitably start ranting about some subject for long periods of time, and all throughout it will draw laughs. Some people have even gone so far as to give me topics just to get me ranting. I enjoy it, so I go along. Starting this blog should hopefully give me a place to record these thoughts and share them with an even larger audience.

Those are the basic ideas. Hopefully I'll be able to follow through and be something entertaining for you all. Don't be afraid to comment, I look forward to seeing what readers think of the topics as I bring them up. I understand this first entry has been incredibly rambling and useless, but following entries will actually be planned out and edited before I post them.

Now that introductions are out of the way, I've got to fix this place and my account up with some pictures and the like. More to come.