Saturday, November 28, 2009

Well, it’s that time of year again. It comes earlier and earlier every year, and unsurprisingly it began even before Halloween this year. That’s right, I’m talking about those blasted holidays. The time where everyone loses their minds entirely over CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS BUY SHIT HOLY CRAP IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have any problems with the holidays in general. A time of year where the family gets together for good or ill, feasting and festing for over a month, then wrapping it all up with the idea of getting a fresh start in a new year. All of that sounds great. Unfortunately, that all gets buried under tons and tons of nonsense. Things like how you need to buy this shiny fancy new thing for those you care about or they’ll never love you ever ever again, or morons crying about an imaginary “war on Christmas” because they believe their holiday and way of life is more important than anyone else’s. A bit of a selfish line of thinking for a season described as one of giving, isn’t it?

It’s this same overblown defense of a holiday in absolutely no danger that had me wondering recently: where the hell did this start? How could anyone come to the conclusion that anyone was out to annihilate Christmas?

Then I figured it out.

Christmas specials.

Every year, kids watch specials on TV, where CHRISTMAS IS IN DANGER AND ONLY (insert name here) CAN SAVE IT. Ernest, Elmo, Tim Allen, a ragtag group of kids, Air Bud’s puppies, the list goes on. There was even a porno made with the theme of saving Christmas! It’s been pounded into impressionable minds for years that every year some maniacal jerk is going to come out of the woodwork and kill Santa, curb stomp baby Jesus, or burn down every toy store in the country.

My theory is that these same kids grew up and found themselves ready to fight for their holiday like they’d seen in so many adventures, but in a world where no one really gave enough of a crap to even try to stop Christmas from happening. When one is so intent on believing that an enemy could strike at any time, but no enemy exists, inventing one is the next best thing. Thus, every story about some neighborhood scrooge, every time Christmas isn’t treated like the only holiday of the season, it is all taken as attacks from this unseen monster bent on destroying their beloved celebration and we get to watch them go insane.

If these people could just look around clearly for a second, they might notice that their holiday is safe as can be. It’s already eaten all of December and November and caused the day after Thanksgiving to be one of the finest examples of humanity at its worst. It has power.

So please, if anyone reading this is upset that their precious Christmas is being attacked, do me a favor and shut up. I’d like to keep my Octobers for creepiness and my Novembers for gluttony.

Besides, do you really want to defend a holiday that causes things like this to happen?

I didn’t think so.

If that video wasn’t enough to get you to hate those kids, try going here and seeing some of their other cheers. I recommend ‘Vegetarian RSVP’ for an extra dose of rage.

After all that pain, I need something to make me feel better about the world…

Ahh. Much better.