Looking for a Bro
You were the totally rad bro doing a keg stand at Larry’s party, I was the dude at the beer pong table. When I saw you there upside-down with your frosted tips, popped collar, and backwards visor, I couldn’t help but think, “Dude, that there is a true bro, man.” So, give me a call if you want to hang out and do bro stuff. Nothing gay, though, I only did that stuff as initiation into Alpha Kappa Gamma.
You: the healer outside the Elven spawn point. Me: the lvl80 knight heading towards PvP. I saw you the other day, idling outside the spawn. I wished I could have stayed to chat, as your avatar was so gorgeous I actually dropped my entire bag of cheese puffs. If you are even half as beautiful irl, then maybe I should have postponed the guild’s raid (haha, just kidding, they needed me if they were to get any epic items). Anyway, contact me if you want to go out sometime. I can get my mom to drive us in the minivan to whatever LARP event you’d like.
I’ve never met you, you’ve never met me, but we’re both awesome. Lets be awesome together.
You were in the sandbox, building a castle, I was the guy with the unmarked white van. I have candy, come on over. NOTE: Dear police department, stop calling me, I’m not looking for you.
Not easy being Felt
I was the hand puppet in the museum gift shop, you had your hand in me for at least an hour. So much time in intimate contact and not even a “How are you?” or a “Thank you” afterwards? Despite this, I have to admit, no one else has been able to animate me like you did. Hoping to see you again. I’ll even spring for some new ping-pong ball eyes.
Let’s fight some fires
You: the Dachund on a walk. Me: The fire hydrant on the corner of 8th and 13th. I don’t know how you knew I was into that, but CALL ME.
Me: in the full size badger outfit. You: the perfect copy of Scruff McGruff. I know it’s impossible to tell what gender you are underneath that costume, nor am I even certain of my own. Also, I’m pretty sure you were a lost mascot who somehow wandered into the convention. Still, though, I’d love to take a bite out of crime with you.
Not looking for romance, but I’ve seen you around. I’ve heard them call you HDDVD. I’m Betamax. We should really hang out sometime. There’s a whole club of us. Laserdisk is there every week and sometimes he brings cupcakes. Just look out for 8-track, get him started and he won’t shut up about the “old glory days.”
Take a trip with me
You: a pink and purple pony beckoning me to a spirit quest. I: had just licked some cool frog. It wore off way too quick, though. Find me again sometime, I’d love to jump rainbows with you.
Please PLEASE find me
Me: the internet. You: common human decency. I’ve heard tales of you, but we’ve never met. I’m desperate, though. I can’t take many more shock videos or youtube commenters.
Just a little recognition
You: the immensely popular original. Me: the straight to DVD sequel. I look up to you so much, yet all I ever get is the cold shoulder. If we got together I’m sure we could make a third movie that would at least be in theatres for a week or so. Let’s go for a trilogy. Please?
Hi, I’m antimatter. I’ve seen you around the cosmos, I think they said your name is matter. I’ve got to say I’m incredibly attracted to you. Let’s ignore the warnings and go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?
Thanks to Heather Gilbert for helping me come up with some of these horrible things.
Apologies to Heather Gilbert for connecting her name with these horrible things.