Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Doubled Over

I did something stupid recently.

You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.

This thing.

This fucking thing right here.

Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.

I love how they act like we’ve been asking for this for years.

I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.

When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.

Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.

When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.

KFC has done such before

Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.

When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”

The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…

…let’s just call it a vague warning.

VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.

*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*

Friday, April 16, 2010

Beans, Beans, Beans, Beans

Jellybeans. Little candies beloved by all. Every year, if you celebrate Easter, you likely obtain a ton of them. Over the past few years, I keep collecting them and haven’t been able to finish them. Thus, I have an overabundance of the things and recently decided to track down some ideas of what to do with them:


The most common of the options. Tired of eating plain jellybeans? BAKE THEM IN STUFF. If you look online for any kind of jellybean recipe, this is what you’ll find. It makes sense to put sweet things together, but you still have to chew gummy-textured little things. If you’ve ever looked at a giant pile of jellybeans after eating too many of them, you know this option is terrible.

So, no getting jelly stuck to teeth…how about:


Another abundant search result. As with just about anything edible, people will turn their candies into booze. Leave candies in vodka or some such liquor for a time until they dissolve and leave their flavor in the alcohol. Simple and popular. So popular, in fact, jelly belly even makes their own drink mixes. I have a bit too many jellybeans on my hands, however, so doing this would just make me die of alcohol poisoning.

No intoxication, then. Maybe if I:


Jellybean brittle. Yes, it’s possible to melt them down, mix them with other ingredients, and make other kinds of candy with them. An interesting idea, sure, but something seems a little off about something crunchy having the same flavor as jellybeans.

Still, that’s not as weird as making them crunchy by:


You can thank Texas for this. Deep fried Jellybeans. Rolled in funnel cake batter first, which I suppose makes it a bit more normal. Still, though, is there anything left that we as a species haven’t deep fried? Cookies, candy bars, hamburgers, and now jellybeans? I might try this option anyway, since I am American and as such need deep fry oil to live, but I don’t want to be a stereotype.

Can’t be pigeonholed when you:


Wait, what? That doesn’t make much sense, but-


No, this is just getting silly now-


Goddamnit, internet.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Discovery Networks, after much reflection on the popularity of its programming, has announced the creation of a new channel to join the team. The channel ‘Doomed Earth’ will be available to all cable providers and will follow in the great tradition of some of the Discovery Networks’ most popular programming. It will detail all the many ways our planet can be destroyed or rendered almost or entirely uninhabitable.

Discovery Networks has also released the titles of a number of the new specials and series which will comprise the content of the station. Such titles include:

Rocks from Space

Midwest Supervolcano

Chinese Megaearthquakes

Ring of Fire: World in Flames

Frozen Earth

Missing Bees: Food Chain Disaster

Rising Oceans

Pigs: Nature’s Bomb

When the Sun Dies

If the Moon Hits the Earth

Nuclear Meltdowns

If Gravity Just Shut Off

The Day the Sun Became a Black Hole

Aliens Attack

If Air Turned to Acid

Jupiter is Actually a Giant Monster, and it’s Angry

Your Own Body is Killing You

How We’re Ruining Everything

We’re All Going to Die

Run For Your Lives

Be Afraid

The Floor is Now Lava

The Universe Just Goddamn Hates Us

Disaster porn fetishists and End-of-Days criers can look forward to these and many more programs becoming available as the channel continues. Look forward to the various ways the world can end, coming early next year.