Blasphemy

“You saw God?” I asked, shocked at the statement.

“Yeah. The doctors said I was actually dead for about an hour and a half. They were pretty shocked when I came to, but honestly, I don’t think I would’ve been able to stand another minute of it.”

“Wait, what?”

“Heaven. It’s unbearable. Mostly due to…you know…him.”

“God?”

“Yeah.”

I stared at my friend for a solid minute before he spoke again. He must have been concerned that some animal was going to crawl into my dropped jaw and make a new home.

“Listen, I know. I was pretty religious before I had this near-death experience. I always mentioned how when I died I wanted to ask God all sorts of questions about life. Well, I got to ask some of them, and…God’s kind of a dick.”

I laughed a little, thinking maybe my friend was pulling my leg. Maybe the whole story was a lie, and the near-death experience just a way to make me feel guilty for not keeping in touch as well as I should have. He shut me down right away, though.

“No, seriously, man. He…she…it…God…is just unbearable. I got to heaven; there’s no line at the pearly gates or anything, they just know if you belong there or not; and they let me right in to talk to God and ask questions. I suppose time doesn’t really mean anything there. Anyway, God started off as a ball of light, shifted from form to form until picking the stereotypical old man look which he said I would find most comfortable. He then started telling jokes.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound that bad.”

“You don’t understand. These weren’t normal jokes. These were the most offensive jokes I’ve ever heard.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that b-”

“He started with dead baby jokes. The first words he says to me were one! He picks a form, and immediately starts with ‘What’s the saddest thing in the world?’ I hesitated a bit, thinking this was going to be some deep conversation. I mean, it was fucking God. As soon as I open my mouth he cuts me off with ‘A pit full of dead babies. Now what’s the funniest thing?’ I was a bit taken aback and didn’t even time to think before he hits me with ‘One live one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.’ It was awful! It didn’t stop there, either. ‘What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!’ ‘What’s more fun than feeling up a dead baby? Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples!’ ‘How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off its head!’ ‘What do you call a baby with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Fucked!’ ‘How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor!’ ‘How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them!’ On and on and on he went! So many of them, all of them awful, and all of them seared into my mind forever. It’s not like I can't just forget the voice of God.”

“So, you’re telling me you died, went to heaven, and God just sat there telling you dead baby jokes?”

“No, I said he started with dead baby jokes. Racist jokes, sexist jokes, jokes I didn’t even understand, but I knew they had humanity as the punch line, all of them came out. Hundreds, maybe thousands of these jokes, rapid fire. Then, while I’m standing there speechless and, honestly, on the verge of tears, then he decides he’s going to ‘tell me some secrets about the world.’ It got even worse from there.”

“Wait, so he finally started answering your questions, then?”

“He answered them all before I could even ask them. I wish he hadn’t, now.”

I gave my friend a face urging him to go on, but he pretended to ignore it. He couldn’t possibly expect me to just leave it at that. I had never really worried about getting answers for life and the universe, but now the box was open. “Well, what did he say? It couldn’t possibly be more scarring than those jokes.”

“Are you kidding? We are the joke. We’re a punch line, purely for the entertainment of Heaven. God told me how everything went down. He set off the creation of the universe because he was bored, stirred things up as time went on, and when he saw that on this planet, conditions were right for life to form, he nurtured it. He watched out for things and did what he could to keep conditions right for life to grow and flourish, but made sure that conditions allowed for life to evolve into the dumbest possible results.”

“So evolution is how life came to be what it is?”

“That’s not the point! It’s like dog breeds. People selected certain traits over others and ended up making all sorts of varied dogs. God made conditions right for certain traits to thrive over others. Poop? Completely unnecessary. He saw traits that would allow for bodies to turn everything put into it into energy; small, compact organs that could digest just about anything. He made sure those died out, just so he could see billions of animals running around making as he put it ‘stinky little piles that they would do anything to get away from.’ He helped guide the giraffe to gain its long neck in an attempt to make it look like a walking dick, he guided the platypus into existence just to fuck with anything smart enough to look at it and get confused, and he meteored the dinosaurs just because he wanted to see if he could pull off a hook shot around the Earth and into the sun.”

“What about human intelligence, though? I mean, you always called sentience a gift.”

“Simple, he wanted to be able to fuck with something that would fully ‘appreciate’ being fucked with and over. He tried it at first with angels and demigods, but since they were also immortal, he couldn’t fuck with them too much or else they’d just avoid him as much as possible. I mean, he even told me that the whole deal with Satan was that he had fallen asleep on God’s couch, and God drew a butt on his face and sent him to hell as a prank! Satan just stayed there because he really didn’t want to deal with God being a dick to him anymore. So, when God had a chance to guide life into sentience, he did it so he could have a whole species to fuck with. Demigods remember your dickery forever, but humans? Humans die, and the next generation isn’t going to remember what you did a thousand years ago.”

“They could always write it down, though. I mean, every religion has some kind of story about interactions with God.”

“Yeah, but over time people still edited things in such a way to excuse God’s childish sense of humor. He let Moses part water because he wanted to see the look on the Egyptians’ faces, he showed up as a burning bush just to be creepy, he had his underlings perform soap operas on Earth to mess with the Greeks, he took the forms of the Hindu gods just to see how many hallucination fever-dreams he’s had could be turned into statues, and the only reason the Buddha became the Buddha is because he was the only person to deal with God and not get fed up with his bullshit!”

“So,” I said, coming to grips with this whole situation, “God’s a dick.”

“Yes. Philosophers can now rest easy, I know why there is evil in the world. It makes God laugh.”

“Wow. So, what are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to live for as long as possible. Avoid him as much as I can. Most importantly, I’m going to enjoy this life to the fullest. I mean, really, as bad and crazy as this world can get, it’s still better than having to listen to another word from that douche.”

Later, as my friend and I walked off in our separate directions, I couldn’t help but wonder. What if everything my friend had heard in his near-death experience, what if all of it was just a lesson to make him appreciate his life and not over-value the afterlife he dreamed of?

Maybe everything was exaggerated.

Maybe it was all a good intentioned lie.

Or maybe God's just a dick.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Once again I've worked with Justice Productions on a short film for Philadelphia's Project 21. Here's a trailer!


Show up in Philly for the Film-a-thon on the weekend of October 1-3 if you can to see the whole film and show some support for some talented filmmakers.

Now, because I always feel a little guilty when I promote anything I do, here's something completely unrelated to me to make up for it:


It's like greased lightning.

Monopoly!

Recently, I was experiencing some internet Monopoly, and found myself wondering about the pieces that have become part of the game. In every version they’re different, and usually only very slightly connected to the feeling of the game. What do dogs and battleships have to do with building houses and collecting rent, anyway.

Of course, the internet had an answer.

The game was made with the intention of using just random bits of things to use as pieces. In that spirit, I thought it might be a good idea to list off some of the better choices to having a unique piece in your Monopoly games.

There’s the classic lost button that Hasbro itself has suggested.

They also suggested coins.

The higher rollers might like to raise the stakes a little.

In our technological age, there’s always loose batteries lying around.

Or even those little SD cards for those players who love their tech.

Some people hate long board games, so for them, a watch can let them know when to stop.

Multitaskers and social butterflies would love just using their phone.

Collectors might like using an action figure, it could feel like an adventure.

Big eaters and foodies might like to use some treats as their piece.

Or a utensil, in case they eat the treat.

Gamers could always use their favorite game as a piece.

Or play the game with a controller, like they’re used to.

Readers can even use their favorite book to play.

Or you can always just use things from around the house, paperweights and sculptures.

If you’re really strapped for ideas, you can always just give up and grab the first thing you see.

I, however, will always and forever be the top hat.

Advanced Robotics

July 2010. The robot untethered distance record has been broken again. Cornell University’s Ranger robot has taken the record by traveling 14.3 miles unassisted by any wires or tethers to hold it upright. The competition in the world of robots is fierce, and the results are quite impressive.

Now, this being the internet, as soon as word breaks out that robots have become better, faster, stronger, smarter, or in any way better than they used to be; tons of site start writing articles about how robots are going to take over the world. Thing is, robots are ridiculous and often rather dumb.

Case in point, take a look at a video of the record breaker the last time it broke the record:



A box with spindly long cartoon bug legs.

It can break walking records, sure, but that’s all it can do. Most robots that exist are only really good at a few select things. They can walk,

Swim,


Solve Rubik’s cubes,


Show emotions,


But never all at once.

It would take a combination of all these traits on order to become truly terrifying.

The Ranger robot’s competition, Big Dog from Boston Dynamics, is supposed to have a combination of these traits. It previously took the title of distance walking from Ranger and is also capable of balancing itself over any kind of terrain.

Yet look, not terrifying:


Oh wait, that was Little Dog. Boston Dynamic’s smaller model of the robot. THIS is Big Dog:


AAAAHH!

Ok. That’s pretty creepy. Did you see it? It moves like it’s ALIVE, even on ice! You can kick the monster, but you can’t stop it. It just keeps moving, heading towards some unknown goal while making a terrible grinding noise that came out of someone’s nightmares.

There’s even been talk of Big Dog having military applications. Mostly just to carry things around though, so no matter how creepy it might become at least we don’t have to worry about it being used as any kind of weapon. Besides, how would someone weaponize an unstoppable charging machine?



Oh. That’s how.

Well, even if the robots can become more powerful, we still have nothing to worry about…


…because they’re still dumb.

The Gaming Industry is Silly

So, E3 happened recently. The supposed gaming mecca, where journalists get to see all the new amazing things that game companies will be bringing out over the next year and where retailers get to understand a little more about what they’re selling (and maybe even pick a few new things to sell). Consumers love to find out the news from the convention, partially because they’re obsessed with gaming and partially because the event is always full of nonsense.

What kind of nonsense?

How about Cirque du Soleil coming out with a giant animatronic elephant…

…in order to promote a device specifically made to make you look dumb in your living room?

Those are images of people playing some games on Microsoft’s new ‘Kinect’ camera, which makes you the controller. You can now be the tool used to play your games.

Tool is right.

Or what about Sony’s answer to the Kinect and the Wii, the new Playstation Move?

Yup. Multicolored wiimote lollypop. Works about the same, too.

Obviously, this means everyone is trying to copy Nintendo’s success by adding their own motion control systems. If Nintendo is the one being copied, though, how can they possibly be more ridiculous than the competition?



By being Nintendo, that’s how. A handheld system with 3d effects without 3d glasses, and company guys making silly faces.

It’s not just the first party companies who can make absurd nonsense happen, though.

Konami had Mexican wrestlers show up to promote a luchadore game:



Finally, EA unveiled a game with the most absurd one-liners that I’ve ever seen (it starts around 2:50 in):



I do not speak train.

E3. Total nonsense.

I don't speak Italian

I know I've been gone for a while. Very busy time lately.

However, I have something to show for it:



This was done in 48 hours by some of the most talented people in the entertainment industry, from writing to editing. I'm one of the actors. Enjoy.

Doubled Over

I did something stupid recently.

You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.

This thing.

This fucking thing right here.

Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.

I love how they act like we’ve been asking for this for years.

I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.

When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.

Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.

When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.

KFC has done such before

Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.

When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”

The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…

…let’s just call it a vague warning.

VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.

*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*

Beans, Beans, Beans, Beans

Jellybeans. Little candies beloved by all. Every year, if you celebrate Easter, you likely obtain a ton of them. Over the past few years, I keep collecting them and haven’t been able to finish them. Thus, I have an overabundance of the things and recently decided to track down some ideas of what to do with them:

BAKE THEM

The most common of the options. Tired of eating plain jellybeans? BAKE THEM IN STUFF. If you look online for any kind of jellybean recipe, this is what you’ll find. It makes sense to put sweet things together, but you still have to chew gummy-textured little things. If you’ve ever looked at a giant pile of jellybeans after eating too many of them, you know this option is terrible.

So, no getting jelly stuck to teeth…how about:

DRINK THEM

Another abundant search result. As with just about anything edible, people will turn their candies into booze. Leave candies in vodka or some such liquor for a time until they dissolve and leave their flavor in the alcohol. Simple and popular. So popular, in fact, jelly belly even makes their own drink mixes. I have a bit too many jellybeans on my hands, however, so doing this would just make me die of alcohol poisoning.

No intoxication, then. Maybe if I:

MAKE OTHER CANDY WITH THEM

Jellybean brittle. Yes, it’s possible to melt them down, mix them with other ingredients, and make other kinds of candy with them. An interesting idea, sure, but something seems a little off about something crunchy having the same flavor as jellybeans.

Still, that’s not as weird as making them crunchy by:

FRY THEM

You can thank Texas for this. Deep fried Jellybeans. Rolled in funnel cake batter first, which I suppose makes it a bit more normal. Still, though, is there anything left that we as a species haven’t deep fried? Cookies, candy bars, hamburgers, and now jellybeans? I might try this option anyway, since I am American and as such need deep fry oil to live, but I don’t want to be a stereotype.

Can’t be pigeonholed when you:

MAKE MANDARIN CHICKEN WITH THEM

Wait, what? That doesn’t make much sense, but-

LARRY KING

No, this is just getting silly now-

BACON

…
Goddamnit, internet.

PRESS RELEASE

Discovery Networks, after much reflection on the popularity of its programming, has announced the creation of a new channel to join the team. The channel ‘Doomed Earth’ will be available to all cable providers and will follow in the great tradition of some of the Discovery Networks’ most popular programming. It will detail all the many ways our planet can be destroyed or rendered almost or entirely uninhabitable.

Discovery Networks has also released the titles of a number of the new specials and series which will comprise the content of the station. Such titles include:

Rocks from Space

Midwest Supervolcano

Chinese Megaearthquakes

Ring of Fire: World in Flames

Frozen Earth

Missing Bees: Food Chain Disaster

Rising Oceans

Pigs: Nature’s Bomb

When the Sun Dies

If the Moon Hits the Earth

Nuclear Meltdowns

If Gravity Just Shut Off

The Day the Sun Became a Black Hole

Aliens Attack

If Air Turned to Acid

Jupiter is Actually a Giant Monster, and it’s Angry

Your Own Body is Killing You

How We’re Ruining Everything

We’re All Going to Die

Run For Your Lives

Be Afraid

The Floor is Now Lava

The Universe Just Goddamn Hates Us

Disaster porn fetishists and End-of-Days criers can look forward to these and many more programs becoming available as the channel continues. Look forward to the various ways the world can end, coming early next year.

War Fiction

It was a Thursday when the attack began.

No one saw it coming, it came out of nowhere. Just suddenly the sky was full and they were falling.

Some people called it hail from Hell. Other, more dramatic types called it the end of the world. Some merely called it a shitstorm. Regardless of what others called it, it was a bombing. A terrible event that no one could put reason to.

There were theories after the fact. Experts claiming persecution was the cause, or that maybe it was a case of those with too much being attacked by those with too little. Politicians claiming it was caused somehow by their political adversaries, in order to fuel their own agendas. Pundits churning it all together and exaggerating in order to create the story that would bring them the most ratings.

No theories mattered. The world had changed. People had changed.

The first carnage was the worst. People screaming, running for cover. Mothers guarding their children as they ran for safety, cars swerving off the road to avoid collision. It was chaos.

We all learned about each other that day, however. Nothing brings out the truth of a person better than terror and disaster. There were some who threw themselves in harm’s way to help as many as they could, taking the attack full force. Others were more willing to throw their fellow man under a bus in order to save themselves. Neighborhoods could never be the same after this. The person that was hated for going against town rules became a hero, and the most respected members were practically chased off with pitchforks after word got out of their pushing others into the attack in order to buy themselves time.

The judging wouldn’t come until after it was over. After people had time to think.

There was a lot of time to think.

For three days and three nights the attack continued while the population hid in houses, storm cellars, wherever they could find safety from the terrible rain outside. Anyplace was good enough, as long as it was safe from attack from the animals above. Animals they were; nothing with an shred of humanity would make such an attack on a residential area. Towns with children, with families.

With everyone holed up, the attack became more about psychology. No one could go outside, but they could still see what was happening. At least until visibility through any glass reached zero.

When it finally subsided, a few brave souls left their shelters to survey the damage. I was one of them.

Transportation was hit hard. The car culture we lived in would have trouble surviving when every visible vehicle was ruined. Statues and images depicting our heroes and great figures were hit even harder, disfigured into a twisted mockery of our shared history.

The hardest hit by far were parking lots. It sounds strange, of course, but they are the perfect symbol of our capitalistic natures. Every store has a parking lot, every parking lot has cars. Imagine how different your life would be if neither existed anymore. How much things would change. It was a genius strike, and we never saw it coming. Never saw anything like it.

I’d heard stories. Theories about what a nuclear winter would look like. This was worse. Nothing could prepare one for this.

As I wandered on my own, I eventually ran into a few others who had left their safe places to survey their new lives. Most had glazed over stares, unable to comprehend what had happened.

One old man, however, he said two words I’d never forget before he fell to his knees and wept. Two words we were all thinking:

“Fucking birds.”

Indeed, old man…indeed.