WTF Batman

This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.

I’m Batman

I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.

First off, there’s his face:

I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY

WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?

But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.

Where it really gets dumb is the items.

I’m Batman. This is a batarang.

Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.

Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.

So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!

This one’s the best, though.

I’m Bat…what is this?

Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?

I’m Grim Reaper Batman.

Or is it the grappling hook?

I’m Batman. I can climb real high.

So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.

I’m overburdened!

None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.

Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.

Corrections

We would like to offer our sincere apologies and make retractions for the following mistakes readers have pointed out in previous editions of our paper:

Last Tuesday, p7, in our story on underdogs overcoming the odds, Mrs. Edna Harkinson actually described her status with her siblings as “the runt of the litter.” We apologize for the typo and profanity.

Yesterday, p1, our cover story about the fire on Watson street should have contained a picture of the event. Due to an oversight error, a picture of one of our reporters drunk and without pants was run instead.

Monday, p13, in the classifieds section we unwittingly ran an ad for “Adolph’s ovens.” We believed this was an actual kitchen appliance manufacturer, when in reality it was a horrible hoax. We will show more quality control in our future ads.

Wednesday, p4, we reported that the recent murders uptown were committed by a suspect described as “qgyrjhbahlajhr jqaryola vbayrbklliur.” This was due to an editor’s cat walking on their keyboard. We would like to offer a very sincere apology to Mr. Jqaryola for the unintended defamation.

Last Sunday, p7, in our story on Mount Rushmore, it was erroneously reported that the faces on the mountain were of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Marc Summers. Marc Summers is, of course, a TV show host, and not a former President.

Thursday, p3/p9, we accidentally described the “Over 80’s Ladies Book Club” as “a ravenous den of bloodthirsty creatures, hellbent on the destruction of our entire civilization.” This, of course, belonged to our report on the threat of a den of rabid bears outside of town, which received the description of the book club, “a group of elderly women dedicated to reading and who adore having visitors stop by unexpectedly.” We would like to apologize to the book club for the angry mob who came after them, and to the families of those murdered while bringing tea and casseroles to the rabid bear den.

Yesterday, p17, our heartfelt apologies to everyone related to those mentioned in our obituary page. All of the pictures of the deceased were instead replaced with pictures from our story on slaughterhouses.

Thursday, p12, Little Jackie Young has won the county spelling bee three times, not two.

One final correction, for the past 12 years, we’ve misprinted the price of our paper as 75 cents, when it has actually been $1. Anyone who has been purchasing our paper within that time can send the remainder of what they owe to our head offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Half-Assed Recipe Time

Recently, for a holiday potluck party, I decided to do something special and make some savory treats for my friends. They came out somewhat unique and were a big hit, so I'm going to share the recipe with you. One problem, though:

I don't measure anything.

So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.

JUSTICE MEAT PIES

First, gather your ingredients:

You will need:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)

There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.

Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.

Roll it out and cut out circles. You'll be folding the circles in half, so make sure that the size of half a circle is as big as you want the finished meat pie to be. Something I noticed when I made these is that they are actually better tasting at a smaller size. So, either plan to use these as semi-large hors d'oeuvres, or to have a couple of them for a meal.

Now for the fun part:

Stuff the circles!

You won't need much, unless you're going against my advice and making some gigantic meat pies. Just a little bit of each ingredient, not even a full spoonful. Some meat, veggies, potato, cheese, all piled in the center of the circle. Don't let it get too close to the edge or you'll have trouble closing it, and not too high or else you'll overstuff it. Since there were going to be some vegetarians at the party, I made sure they could have some pies as well:

I just made sure to not put meat in theirs.

Now, be sure not to overstuff these things, or else they'll pop in the oven and you'll just have a little ball of dough with all of the insides leaking out next to it. It'll probably happen anyway, but a small leak due to a slight overstuffing is better than a really overstuffed pie that just has everything leaking everywhere.

Small mess > big mess

That's all I'm really trying to say there.

You might notice that I have my dough on some little plastic things. Those plastic trays actually fold over and crimp the edges of the dough for me, removing a whole step from the process for me. If you don't have those, don't worry, you don't need them.

Now that you have the small pile of delicious in your dough, brush a little egg wash around the edge of the dough, and fold it in half. If you don't have the fancy crimping thing I do, just take a fork and press the edges together with it, the egg wash will act as a glue to hold the whole thing together.

Be sure to poke a hole or two in the pastry to let out steam while it cooks, or else you'll get those leaks I was talking about earlier. You don't want those. Holes are important. I can't stress this enough. Make holes.

Also, brush some egg wash on top of the pastry. It'll give you a nice golden brown when you bake it. It can also serve as a glue in case you decide to do like I did:

I had extra dough which I used to put letters on the pies. Since the party was a bunch of members of Justice Productions, the word Justice was the only natural choice. I had a system, too. Consonants (J,S,T,C) had the meat and vowels (U,I,E) were vegetarian.

In the end, with the amount of dough I had, I was able to make somewhere around 20-30 pies. I still had tons of ingredients left over, so if you make around as much as I did in that first picture, you'll have enough to make way more than 30 small pies. Enough for just about any party.

As for baking, just bake like the instructions on the box of dough should say. Usually around 350 or 450 for about 20 minutes. You'll know they're done when they reach a nice golden brown.

The numbers aren't important. Measuring, timing, etc. I do none of that. This is easy to make, just have fun and know what to look for and you'll do fine.

Or burn everything.

GOOD LUCK!