Musings of a Street-Thug

These are the excerpts from a journal that washed up along the East River. The author is still unknown.

May 13: Had a pretty good run today. Managed to snatch a purse while crossing 32nd. She screamed a lot, but it was pretty easy to lose the cops in the crowd. Heard a rumor from some of my buddies that some kid calling himself bug-man or something is swinging around like Tarzan and getting people thrown in jail. I think they’ve been smoking too much.

May 20: A bunch of the guys have all ended up in prison for petty robbery and the like. It’s like someone’s cleaning up the neighborhood. Allen keeps yelling about some giant spider he saw one night. I keep telling him I cleaned the bathroom, we don’t get spiders in there anymore. Besides, I’ve never seen a red and blue spider before. I think I might need to take him to the hospital, he might have gone crazy.

June 1: Ok, I believe it now. I saw a guy break into a jewelry store nearby and that red and blue masked guy came swinging in on some fishing line and beat the crap out of everyone. Kept making jokes as he was doing it, too. Weird stuff. The newspapers are getting some blurry pictures of him, calling him Spider-Man. I wonder why they use the dash in the name. I mean, wouldn’t it be easier to type Spiderman? This is why I dropped out of my journalism major in college.

June 20: Been too afraid to go out and work. I’ve been a thief for years, it’s all I know how to do anymore, and in about a month, this Spider-Guy has completely wrecked my income. Some of the others are getting fed up, too. Rumor has it that there’s some guys willing to take down the Spider and give guys like me the grunt work while he’s distracted. Some guy calling himself a Goblin, and another guy with a fishbowl on his head. I guess you have to dress weird to get another weird guy’s attention. Anyway, this could be the break I need to get some work without having to worry about getting thrown in jail.

June 24: Met with one of the flashy costume guys. Big deal coming up. Don’t want to risk the details in here, all very hush-hush. I’m excited to get back to work, though these villain/hero dramatics are kind of annoying.

July 5: It’s been days since my last entry. Writing here in the hopes that if I die here, someone knows what happened. The heist was over a week ago, I’m sure all the details about that have been put out by now. No real secrets when it comes to superhero adventures. Turns out I had things backwards, though. I thought the bank heist was the main goal, and that the boss was just the organizer and distraction for Spider-Man, giving us the opening to get away with the money. How it really went was that we were bait. He wanted to lure out Spider-Man so he could fight and kill him with those bombs made out of Halloween decorations. We were pawns. Worthless. He even let Spider-Man rough us all up a bit before even showing up, the green bastard. I only just got away into the getaway car, nearly died going for it, too. Everyone else was already covered in the webbing goop. Covering their faces, it looked like they couldn’t even breathe.
I hope Tim’s ok. Kid’s got asthma.
God, here I am writing about the others, I don’t know what happened after that for them. My story continued in the car. I drove away from the fight as fast I could, but it wasn’t long before he was back on my tail.
I panicked. Went straight for the Brooklyn Bridge. I was a sitting duck there. He webbed up the car, I got out, and somehow found myself stuck to the side of the bridge. I don’t remember if I tried to jump, or if he put me here on purpose, but I’m still stuck on the North side of the bridge. Just underneath, in a little spot no one can really see from the boats.
I was able to wriggle my hands free this morning, which gave me some hope, but nothing I can do will get me out of this mess. It’s hardened into something strong as steel, even the knife I carry on me won’t cut it. I can’t even try anymore, since the knife fell and is at the bottom of the river at this point. I’ll try to sleep again, and resume my yells for help tomorrow.
July 6: Voice is broken and hoarse. Can’t yell any more. Tried tossing some items down at the boats to get someone’s attention. Nothing worked. I’m going to kill every spider I see if I get out of this alive.

July 7: Could barely sleep. Dreams haunted by that spider. In the dream he grows gigantic, towering over me. Laughing. Always laughing. Quipping at me like my life is part of some meaningless game. Like I’m an extra in a movie or something. Why couldn’t he have just called the police? I’d much rather be in jail than this. Drinking what rainwater falls near me, and slowly starving. Feeling weak again. Will write later

July ?: Not sure how long I slept. Everything’s blurry. Hope is low. He did this on purpose. Left me here to die. He doesn’t leave criminals for the police, he just wraps them up and leaves, letting them waste away. It’s just luck that the cops find them. Either that or he left me here as revenge for getting away from him at the beginni-

Day unknown. Might be August. Dropped pen. Writing with rust and blood. Have been eating shirt and bird waste. Thank still rainwater to drink. All alone. Might be losing mind. Hear him speak to me even now. Saw balloon with his face on it and billboard for a musical. He is on Broadway. Why do they celebrate a murderer? He has killed me. I never killed anyone, only stole. He is ruthless. Cheerful in it. Mocking me as I die.

Say goodnight Gracie Say Goodnight Gracie Say GoodNight gracie SaY GoodnIght Gracie SAY goodnight GRACIE say goodnight gracie Saygoodni ght grac ie saygoodnightgraciesaygoodnight gracie say goodnight Gracie say goodnight gracie Say Goodnight

The rest of the writing becomes scribbled and unintelligible, soon trailing off to just a weak, thin line. Rescue crews have searched the entirety of the Brooklyn Bridge, no sign of the author has been found. -JJJ

Missed Connections

Looking for a Bro
You were the totally rad bro doing a keg stand at Larry’s party, I was the dude at the beer pong table. When I saw you there upside-down with your frosted tips, popped collar, and backwards visor, I couldn’t help but think, “Dude, that there is a true bro, man.” So, give me a call if you want to hang out and do bro stuff. Nothing gay, though, I only did that stuff as initiation into Alpha Kappa Gamma.

LFG
You: the healer outside the Elven spawn point. Me: the lvl80 knight heading towards PvP. I saw you the other day, idling outside the spawn. I wished I could have stayed to chat, as your avatar was so gorgeous I actually dropped my entire bag of cheese puffs. If you are even half as beautiful irl, then maybe I should have postponed the guild’s raid (haha, just kidding, they needed me if they were to get any epic items). Anyway, contact me if you want to go out sometime. I can get my mom to drive us in the minivan to whatever LARP event you’d like.

Awesome
I’ve never met you, you’ve never met me, but we’re both awesome. Lets be awesome together.

Playground
You were in the sandbox, building a castle, I was the guy with the unmarked white van. I have candy, come on over. NOTE: Dear police department, stop calling me, I’m not looking for you.

Not easy being Felt
I was the hand puppet in the museum gift shop, you had your hand in me for at least an hour. So much time in intimate contact and not even a “How are you?” or a “Thank you” afterwards? Despite this, I have to admit, no one else has been able to animate me like you did. Hoping to see you again. I’ll even spring for some new ping-pong ball eyes.

Let’s fight some fires
You: the Dachund on a walk. Me: The fire hydrant on the corner of 8th and 13th. I don’t know how you knew I was into that, but CALL ME.

Yiff
Me: in the full size badger outfit. You: the perfect copy of Scruff McGruff. I know it’s impossible to tell what gender you are underneath that costume, nor am I even certain of my own. Also, I’m pretty sure you were a lost mascot who somehow wandered into the convention. Still, though, I’d love to take a bite out of crime with you.

Obsolete?
Not looking for romance, but I’ve seen you around. I’ve heard them call you HDDVD. I’m Betamax. We should really hang out sometime. There’s a whole club of us. Laserdisk is there every week and sometimes he brings cupcakes. Just look out for 8-track, get him started and he won’t shut up about the “old glory days.”

Take a trip with me
You: a pink and purple pony beckoning me to a spirit quest. I: had just licked some cool frog. It wore off way too quick, though. Find me again sometime, I’d love to jump rainbows with you.

Please PLEASE find me
Me: the internet. You: common human decency. I’ve heard tales of you, but we’ve never met. I’m desperate, though. I can’t take many more shock videos or youtube commenters.

Just a little recognition
You: the immensely popular original. Me: the straight to DVD sequel. I look up to you so much, yet all I ever get is the cold shoulder. If we got together I’m sure we could make a third movie that would at least be in theatres for a week or so. Let’s go for a trilogy. Please?

Dangerous
Hi, I’m antimatter. I’ve seen you around the cosmos, I think they said your name is matter. I’ve got to say I’m incredibly attracted to you. Let’s ignore the warnings and go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?

Thanks to Heather Gilbert for helping me come up with some of these horrible things.
Apologies to Heather Gilbert for connecting her name with these horrible things.

Holiday Wilderness Survival Guide

Thank you for purchasing the latest in our series of survival guides aimed at making sure you aren’t taken by surprise by the numerous mythological and supernatural creatures that inhabit this world. If you’ve already read some of our other guides, including “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits,” “Supernatural Survival - When ‘Who You Gonna Call’ Doesn’t Cut It,” and “Great Old Ones - When The Deep Timeless Void Fhtagn’s Your Day;” then you already know the extensive detail our researchers go into to make sure you survive your encounters.

In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.

So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.

Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”

Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.

Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.

Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.

Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.

Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.

Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.

Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.