The Hole

It was about a year ago that I found the hole, I reckon.

You fancy book-learnin types all came in here telling me about how the hole needs to be studied and how it don’t “follow any standard rules of physics” and I had to deal with chasing them darn robed hooligans away from it. Claiming their death-god or some such were down there plotting the end times or some such nonsense. Now, I read the Bible, sir, and I can tell you that there ain’t no thing about some death god causing the end, only Jesus is capable of that.

All I really know is that the hole is on MY property, and as such is mine to do with as I see fit.

And let me tell you, that there hole is the best dumping ground for my house’s trash what ever I seen.

You see, my household has been accumulating a lot of garbage as of late. What with two teenaged children running about. You know they don’t go fixin nothing, they just throw it away. So we end up with bags and bags of the stuff. And with the house being so far out here in the country, the closest town done up and started charging us for trash removal. So, when that there hole opened up behind the house a ways, it was like my prayers had been answered.

Sure, whenever I get close to it, the endless moaning of the damned from down below can get the nerves all riled up, and the fountain of blood that starts a-spurtin out of the hole every time I put something in it was a bit of a nuisance until I started bringing an umbrella with me whenever I threw things out, but it’s a better deal than the alternative.

Y’see, I had to start using the hole for my family’s trash once the dang city council went and decided we lived too far out from town and would have to start paying for trash pickup. A whole extra three cents a year. DAMN HIGHWAY ROBBERY if you ask me.

We may be having soul-crushing nightmares every night where we learn the exact moment we’ll die; and yeah, there’s a disembodied voice chanting with sounds no human mouth can make along the path to the hole; and sure, Martha-May is slowly growing too big for her room, turning into a pile of flesh made entirely of feet and mouths, but our family has proven to be frugal. A valuable lesson in this economy.

So you can tell Mr. Mayor if he wants to send more people like you out to see my hole, he can pay his own damn three cents.

The Complete Works

Recently, our humble museum has come into the acquisition of a large quantity of missing Shakespearean works. As we’ve found, these papers contain a number of previously unknown plays from the great playwright, as well as a large number of rejected drafts of the more well-known works. Our teams are working tirelessly on transcribing all the papers and making the works available for libraries and private readers all around the world. Below is a list of titles we hope will raise your interest:

A Midsummer Night’s Play

Romeo and Bill

Two Gentlemen From Verona Talk about Chicks

The Taming of the Pet Shrew

A Comedy of Factual Statements

King Lear’s Cat, Fluffles

Henry XX

Just, Like, Two Hours of Mistaken Identities

Hamlet 2: Electric Boogaloo

Nothing but Dick Jokes

The Merry Wives of New Jersey

Venus and the Turtle

How to Play Othello

Pumbaa of Sparta

Eleventh Night or What I Will

Love Labour’s Tied

The Merchant of Just North of Venice

As You Hate It

Titus Androgynous

Much Ado About Something Important

The people vs. the 1980s

In a stunning decision, the courts have allowed the trial to begin. This will mark the first time in history that a portion of history gets put on trial for what the prosecution claims to be ‘crimes against humanity.’ The defendants claim that the actions taken by the 1980s have caused severe damage to the overall psyche of humanity, and are asking for over $2mil for damages and pain and suffering caused.

Speaking with the prosecutions’ lawyers, they cite the evidence to be overwhelming for the ‘80s guilt.

“Anyone who lived through the ‘80s rampage knows that it was terrible time.” states the head lawyer on the case, Darrel Finkelbottom. “It was a decade that forced bad decisions on as many people as possible. We still don’t understand exactly why it did this, probably out of some deranged psychopathic mindset. I mean, what else could cause atrocities such as the cocaine epidemic, AIDS, and day-glo clothing? The trauma we endured during the ‘80s has had a lasting effect, and we have been trying to move away from it culturally as soon as we reached the 1990s. Even I wasn’t immune to the horrible effects the ‘80s forced on us all.“ At this point, Mr. Finkelbottom handed me a picture of himself as a younger man, wearing overly bright colors, a backwards hat, and a mullet. “I haven’t been able to live that image down since,“ he said, while wiping a tear from his cheek, “despite the massive amounts of therapy. In my personal opinion, the two million sought after in damages is far too low a number.”

The lawyer for the defendant, however, painted a completely different picture.

“Do you have any idea how many advances happened during the ‘80s?” stated Carl Jonathan, a lawyer who was used to defending such odd cases, as he ran the defense for both the trials ‘People vs. Satan’ last year and ‘People vs. God’ the year before that. Both times using humanity’s free will as the point proving his defendants’ innocence. “Computing advanced by leaps, the arts pushed boundaries, children were being entertained and educated as never before. Show me one person today who lived through the ‘80s who doesn’t find themselves singing ‘Take On Me’ in the car. Mistakes were made, sure, but the culture is beloved even to this day. Why do you think TV execs keep rebooting classic shows from the time? Don’t tell me it’s because of the cocaine, either, it’s because we still love those shows. They’re classics! As for politics? These so-called ‘crimes against humanity?’ The prosecution seems to forget that the Cold War came to an end due to actions of the ‘80s. Not to mention the fall of the Berlin Wall. Sure, Hasselhoff was on top of it, but that’s more due to Germany than the direct involvement of the ‘80s. This is nothing more than another case where people are trying to make a scapegoat to avoid their own responsibilities.”

However this trial turns out, it is this reporter’s humble opinion that it will be in the history books for a long time. We’ll cover this story more as it develops.