10 Misconceptions About NYC

So I've lived in this city for a few years now, and from the questions people ask me, it seems like there are a lot of assumptions made that should really be clarified. In all honesty, I've held a few of these myself, so this is no attempt to shame, just to educate.

#1: Alligators in the sewers
I'm not sure anyone truly believes this, but it's a big enough urban legend. No, you won't find any alligators in the sewers, just rats the size of alligators.

#2: Everywhere in the city is crowded
Manhattan is extremely crowded, and Times Square is pretty much abandoned to overpopulation. There are plenty of places in the city where you can stretch out, though. I live in Queens, and am actually able to reach out for six inches without hitting anyone. Plenty of space.

#3: Everything is expensive
The cost of living is high, indeed, but there are plenty of cheap things you can do. You can go to the zoo ($20), have a beer ($10-15), or a soda if you're not a drinker ($5), or just stand still and breathe the air ($2).

#4: Everyone is angry
You'll find plenty of angry people on their way to work, and I'm one of them to be sure. There are plenty of happy people all over the city, though. They're called tourists!

#5: The city is dirty
The city used to be much dirtier. Years ago people just threw their trash into the streets, but once public trash cans were set up, people began to aim for the cans and miss before leaving their trash in the street. The city is only going to get cleaner now that trash cans are being removed in order to stop littering. Eventually the city will just be reclassified as one giant trash can and technically there won't be any littering at all!

#6: There is a lot of crime
The more people, the more crime, that's just statistics. Bad apples can be anywhere, and when the city has a few million people in it, there's bound to be a few miscreants. However, as studies show, crime is going down everywhere, and you can really see it in NYC. Nowadays you only hear gunshots maybe twice a week.

#7: People only wear black
NYC is very fashionable, and black has been in fashion for a long time. All the fashion schools and runways around here mean people are going for the riskier styles, too. So you'll see more than just black, but also some greys and maybe even a navy blue!

#8: It's very noisy
Again, blame Manhattan for this. There's a lot of traffic, and rush hour is hell, but on off hours things quiet down a bit. You can even go to a park or library and you'll only have to slightly scream to be heard!

#9: There are no plants
NYC is very proud of its parks and foliage, and even has a program going on now to count all the trees in the city. We're hoping to reach double digits!

#10: The air is too polluted
Blame that rush hour again. It can seem bad when traffic is at a standstill, but NYC actually has some of the cleanest air around according to the Los Angeles city council.

Hopefully this clears some things up and gives you a more accurate image of where I live.

Lifestyle Tips From Childhood

So recently I wrote an article for an online magazine, mostly on a whim. I did pretty well in the selection process, but in the end the article wasn't chosen. Instead of letting it just sit around never to be seen, I've decided to post the rough copy here. Enjoy.

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No matter how bad things get in the world, or how little money families have, there is at least one constant: kids will find a way to have fun with whatever they have. It’s almost enough to make those of us with $8/hour jobs and barely enough for bills extremely jealous. That was the thought Dr. Jeremy Stoole had, leading to decisions that changed his life and which he now promotes as a new lifestyle for those of us wishing to recapture our childhoods and lessen expenses.
“I felt like I was living on an allowance again,” Stoole tells, “and not even a good one. So, I started looking back at the times I really did have an allowance yet was happy with nothing, and started studying how the kids in my family stay happy. Eventually I figured out that if I gave up a lot of the new, expensive things I’ve come to enjoy as an adult, I could recapture that childhood joy and save some money in the process. It’s worked out well for me, so now I’m just trying to share my tips and maybe get a self-help book deal out of it.”
We asked Dr. Stoole if he’d be willing to share some of his childhood living tips with us, and he agreed to pass on five of the biggest lessons he’s learned:

1: Give up the big entertainment purchases.
According to Stoole, children don’t need a large budget for entertainment, and neither should you. “This was a hard one to accept when I first thought of it, but it’s probably the most basic rule. At the time I started this project I had cable, Netflix, and was going to movies whenever I could. Then I saw my young cousins playing during a family get-together, and realized they were making their own stories! As long as I had imagination, I didn’t need my big entertainment subscriptions. Now, I just have a big cardboard box set up in my living room that I can get inside and put on my own shows. My friends gave me strange looks at first, but now they come over just for my news reports and primetime dramas.”

2: Lessen the grocery budget.
Kids have simple tastes, and Stoole used this to make serious cuts in the weekly food budget. “Before I started this, I was spending lots of money on fancy restaurants and healthy groceries, but you never see a kid asking for spinach or looking to go to the newest fusion place downtown. Fast food and cheap processed groceries are the way to go. If you need inspiration, you can just look at public school lunches, as school boards all over the country seem to be using the same ideas in order to make the cheapest meals possible. Nothing beats my hot dogs cut up in mac and cheese, with a piece of frozen pizza on the side. Technically it‘s a vegetable now, so it‘s still a full meal.”

3: Arts and crafts for home decoration.
Stoole has lots of praise for the crafty trend that has been spreading on the internet, but claims it could go further. “All of the craft forums online and people posting things they’ve made with everyday household objects reminded me of the old summer camp arts and crafts time. I didn’t need to spend any money on tools or trinkets, either, just making sure all my projects have a healthy dose of macaroni and glue. Now my place is decked out in its own crafty style.”

4: Lose the pet expenses.
Pets are great for companionship, but pet food and vet visits are extremely expensive. Stoole offers up cheap alternatives. “There are some things that kids want that are always expensive, like a dog or a cat. There was no way I could afford a pet on my budget, and while free admission days at the zoo are great, only seeing the animals once a week doesn’t really give much of a feeling of interaction. I was on the verge of getting a pet rock, despite that feeling more like my parents’ teen years than my childhood, but then I went with my nephew to the local park. Within five minutes he was trying to play with the squirrels, chasing them around the trees. It was perfect, just like running around with my dog as a kid, and it also doubles as great exercise.”

5: Spend more time with family.
Stoole’s last tip isn’t always the most popular, but it’s one of the biggest staples of childhood living. “So you’ve given up your TV, fancy restaurants, your stuff is covered in glitter and glue, and you’ve found companionship with the local squirrels, yet you still can’t cover all the bills. I got to that point and was just about to start looking for another job and work 80 hours a week, until I remembered the most important part of childhood living: family. It took some convincing, but I was able to move back in with my parents and even set up a home office where I can teach others about this new lifestyle option. Granted, all these changes caused my girlfriend to break up with me, but that’s alright, she had cooties anyway.”

For more information, Dr. Stoole can be reached at his home office anytime before his curfew.

The Complete Works

Recently, our humble museum has come into the acquisition of a large quantity of missing Shakespearean works. As we’ve found, these papers contain a number of previously unknown plays from the great playwright, as well as a large number of rejected drafts of the more well-known works. Our teams are working tirelessly on transcribing all the papers and making the works available for libraries and private readers all around the world. Below is a list of titles we hope will raise your interest:

A Midsummer Night’s Play

Romeo and Bill

Two Gentlemen From Verona Talk about Chicks

The Taming of the Pet Shrew

A Comedy of Factual Statements

King Lear’s Cat, Fluffles

Henry XX

Just, Like, Two Hours of Mistaken Identities

Hamlet 2: Electric Boogaloo

Nothing but Dick Jokes

The Merry Wives of New Jersey

Venus and the Turtle

How to Play Othello

Pumbaa of Sparta

Eleventh Night or What I Will

Love Labour’s Tied

The Merchant of Just North of Venice

As You Hate It

Titus Androgynous

Much Ado About Something Important

Jokes.mpeg

As I've mentioned before on here, I occasionally stream videogames over at Deepgamers.com, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Seriously, if you go there, the most common thing you'll see is a bunch of jerks insulting each other nonstop.

Anyway, recently one user on the site got annoyed in an exhausted state and decided to flip out a bit, culminating in an angry email being sent to the owner of the site. Another user took a horrible screenshot of the email with his cell phone, and a series of reaction images followed.

In the end, this is what happened:


Hit the jump if you want to see all the pictures and know who and what is going on.

Missed Connections

Looking for a Bro
You were the totally rad bro doing a keg stand at Larry’s party, I was the dude at the beer pong table. When I saw you there upside-down with your frosted tips, popped collar, and backwards visor, I couldn’t help but think, “Dude, that there is a true bro, man.” So, give me a call if you want to hang out and do bro stuff. Nothing gay, though, I only did that stuff as initiation into Alpha Kappa Gamma.

LFG
You: the healer outside the Elven spawn point. Me: the lvl80 knight heading towards PvP. I saw you the other day, idling outside the spawn. I wished I could have stayed to chat, as your avatar was so gorgeous I actually dropped my entire bag of cheese puffs. If you are even half as beautiful irl, then maybe I should have postponed the guild’s raid (haha, just kidding, they needed me if they were to get any epic items). Anyway, contact me if you want to go out sometime. I can get my mom to drive us in the minivan to whatever LARP event you’d like.

Awesome
I’ve never met you, you’ve never met me, but we’re both awesome. Lets be awesome together.

Playground
You were in the sandbox, building a castle, I was the guy with the unmarked white van. I have candy, come on over. NOTE: Dear police department, stop calling me, I’m not looking for you.

Not easy being Felt
I was the hand puppet in the museum gift shop, you had your hand in me for at least an hour. So much time in intimate contact and not even a “How are you?” or a “Thank you” afterwards? Despite this, I have to admit, no one else has been able to animate me like you did. Hoping to see you again. I’ll even spring for some new ping-pong ball eyes.

Let’s fight some fires
You: the Dachund on a walk. Me: The fire hydrant on the corner of 8th and 13th. I don’t know how you knew I was into that, but CALL ME.

Yiff
Me: in the full size badger outfit. You: the perfect copy of Scruff McGruff. I know it’s impossible to tell what gender you are underneath that costume, nor am I even certain of my own. Also, I’m pretty sure you were a lost mascot who somehow wandered into the convention. Still, though, I’d love to take a bite out of crime with you.

Obsolete?
Not looking for romance, but I’ve seen you around. I’ve heard them call you HDDVD. I’m Betamax. We should really hang out sometime. There’s a whole club of us. Laserdisk is there every week and sometimes he brings cupcakes. Just look out for 8-track, get him started and he won’t shut up about the “old glory days.”

Take a trip with me
You: a pink and purple pony beckoning me to a spirit quest. I: had just licked some cool frog. It wore off way too quick, though. Find me again sometime, I’d love to jump rainbows with you.

Please PLEASE find me
Me: the internet. You: common human decency. I’ve heard tales of you, but we’ve never met. I’m desperate, though. I can’t take many more shock videos or youtube commenters.

Just a little recognition
You: the immensely popular original. Me: the straight to DVD sequel. I look up to you so much, yet all I ever get is the cold shoulder. If we got together I’m sure we could make a third movie that would at least be in theatres for a week or so. Let’s go for a trilogy. Please?

Dangerous
Hi, I’m antimatter. I’ve seen you around the cosmos, I think they said your name is matter. I’ve got to say I’m incredibly attracted to you. Let’s ignore the warnings and go for it! What’s the worst that could happen?

Thanks to Heather Gilbert for helping me come up with some of these horrible things.
Apologies to Heather Gilbert for connecting her name with these horrible things.

Corrections

We would like to offer our sincere apologies and make retractions for the following mistakes readers have pointed out in previous editions of our paper:

Last Tuesday, p7, in our story on underdogs overcoming the odds, Mrs. Edna Harkinson actually described her status with her siblings as “the runt of the litter.” We apologize for the typo and profanity.

Yesterday, p1, our cover story about the fire on Watson street should have contained a picture of the event. Due to an oversight error, a picture of one of our reporters drunk and without pants was run instead.

Monday, p13, in the classifieds section we unwittingly ran an ad for “Adolph’s ovens.” We believed this was an actual kitchen appliance manufacturer, when in reality it was a horrible hoax. We will show more quality control in our future ads.

Wednesday, p4, we reported that the recent murders uptown were committed by a suspect described as “qgyrjhbahlajhr jqaryola vbayrbklliur.” This was due to an editor’s cat walking on their keyboard. We would like to offer a very sincere apology to Mr. Jqaryola for the unintended defamation.

Last Sunday, p7, in our story on Mount Rushmore, it was erroneously reported that the faces on the mountain were of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Marc Summers. Marc Summers is, of course, a TV show host, and not a former President.

Thursday, p3/p9, we accidentally described the “Over 80’s Ladies Book Club” as “a ravenous den of bloodthirsty creatures, hellbent on the destruction of our entire civilization.” This, of course, belonged to our report on the threat of a den of rabid bears outside of town, which received the description of the book club, “a group of elderly women dedicated to reading and who adore having visitors stop by unexpectedly.” We would like to apologize to the book club for the angry mob who came after them, and to the families of those murdered while bringing tea and casseroles to the rabid bear den.

Yesterday, p17, our heartfelt apologies to everyone related to those mentioned in our obituary page. All of the pictures of the deceased were instead replaced with pictures from our story on slaughterhouses.

Thursday, p12, Little Jackie Young has won the county spelling bee three times, not two.

One final correction, for the past 12 years, we’ve misprinted the price of our paper as 75 cents, when it has actually been $1. Anyone who has been purchasing our paper within that time can send the remainder of what they owe to our head offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Monopoly!

Recently, I was experiencing some internet Monopoly, and found myself wondering about the pieces that have become part of the game. In every version they’re different, and usually only very slightly connected to the feeling of the game. What do dogs and battleships have to do with building houses and collecting rent, anyway.

Of course, the internet had an answer.

The game was made with the intention of using just random bits of things to use as pieces. In that spirit, I thought it might be a good idea to list off some of the better choices to having a unique piece in your Monopoly games.

There’s the classic lost button that Hasbro itself has suggested.

They also suggested coins.

The higher rollers might like to raise the stakes a little.

In our technological age, there’s always loose batteries lying around.

Or even those little SD cards for those players who love their tech.

Some people hate long board games, so for them, a watch can let them know when to stop.

Multitaskers and social butterflies would love just using their phone.

Collectors might like using an action figure, it could feel like an adventure.

Big eaters and foodies might like to use some treats as their piece.

Or a utensil, in case they eat the treat.

Gamers could always use their favorite game as a piece.

Or play the game with a controller, like they’re used to.

Readers can even use their favorite book to play.

Or you can always just use things from around the house, paperweights and sculptures.

If you’re really strapped for ideas, you can always just give up and grab the first thing you see.

I, however, will always and forever be the top hat.

PRESS RELEASE

Discovery Networks, after much reflection on the popularity of its programming, has announced the creation of a new channel to join the team. The channel ‘Doomed Earth’ will be available to all cable providers and will follow in the great tradition of some of the Discovery Networks’ most popular programming. It will detail all the many ways our planet can be destroyed or rendered almost or entirely uninhabitable.

Discovery Networks has also released the titles of a number of the new specials and series which will comprise the content of the station. Such titles include:

Rocks from Space

Midwest Supervolcano

Chinese Megaearthquakes

Ring of Fire: World in Flames

Frozen Earth

Missing Bees: Food Chain Disaster

Rising Oceans

Pigs: Nature’s Bomb

When the Sun Dies

If the Moon Hits the Earth

Nuclear Meltdowns

If Gravity Just Shut Off

The Day the Sun Became a Black Hole

Aliens Attack

If Air Turned to Acid

Jupiter is Actually a Giant Monster, and it’s Angry

Your Own Body is Killing You

How We’re Ruining Everything

We’re All Going to Die

Run For Your Lives

Be Afraid

The Floor is Now Lava

The Universe Just Goddamn Hates Us

Disaster porn fetishists and End-of-Days criers can look forward to these and many more programs becoming available as the channel continues. Look forward to the various ways the world can end, coming early next year.