MOUSTACHE

Yet another post about my life and work.

Recently, I've had to maintain a lot of beard for some television work, and this beard opened up a new opportunity for my friends.

My oldest and best friend, Ariel, began making moustache wax. You can buy some here.

As you may notice, I was hired to make some tutorial pictures and given carte blanche about the content.

This was her first mistake.

On that page are the approved pictures. What now follows is the full tutorial as I created with the assistance of the photography and ideas of my roommates.

STEP #1: ACQUIRE MOUSTACHE WAX

STEP #2: OPEN THE CONTAINER IN A MANLY FASHION

STEP #3: PINCH OFF A BIT OF WAX

STEP #4: RUB IT INTO YOUR FACE

STEP #5: MAKE IT SYMMETRICAL, NO ONE LIKES A SKEWED MOUSTACHE

STEP #6: ENJOY YOUR CLASSY NEW MOUSTACHE

STEP #7: POSE!

Reminder: I am a professional model. God help those that hire me.

Lifestyle Tips From Childhood

So recently I wrote an article for an online magazine, mostly on a whim. I did pretty well in the selection process, but in the end the article wasn't chosen. Instead of letting it just sit around never to be seen, I've decided to post the rough copy here. Enjoy.

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No matter how bad things get in the world, or how little money families have, there is at least one constant: kids will find a way to have fun with whatever they have. It’s almost enough to make those of us with $8/hour jobs and barely enough for bills extremely jealous. That was the thought Dr. Jeremy Stoole had, leading to decisions that changed his life and which he now promotes as a new lifestyle for those of us wishing to recapture our childhoods and lessen expenses.
“I felt like I was living on an allowance again,” Stoole tells, “and not even a good one. So, I started looking back at the times I really did have an allowance yet was happy with nothing, and started studying how the kids in my family stay happy. Eventually I figured out that if I gave up a lot of the new, expensive things I’ve come to enjoy as an adult, I could recapture that childhood joy and save some money in the process. It’s worked out well for me, so now I’m just trying to share my tips and maybe get a self-help book deal out of it.”
We asked Dr. Stoole if he’d be willing to share some of his childhood living tips with us, and he agreed to pass on five of the biggest lessons he’s learned:

1: Give up the big entertainment purchases.
According to Stoole, children don’t need a large budget for entertainment, and neither should you. “This was a hard one to accept when I first thought of it, but it’s probably the most basic rule. At the time I started this project I had cable, Netflix, and was going to movies whenever I could. Then I saw my young cousins playing during a family get-together, and realized they were making their own stories! As long as I had imagination, I didn’t need my big entertainment subscriptions. Now, I just have a big cardboard box set up in my living room that I can get inside and put on my own shows. My friends gave me strange looks at first, but now they come over just for my news reports and primetime dramas.”

2: Lessen the grocery budget.
Kids have simple tastes, and Stoole used this to make serious cuts in the weekly food budget. “Before I started this, I was spending lots of money on fancy restaurants and healthy groceries, but you never see a kid asking for spinach or looking to go to the newest fusion place downtown. Fast food and cheap processed groceries are the way to go. If you need inspiration, you can just look at public school lunches, as school boards all over the country seem to be using the same ideas in order to make the cheapest meals possible. Nothing beats my hot dogs cut up in mac and cheese, with a piece of frozen pizza on the side. Technically it‘s a vegetable now, so it‘s still a full meal.”

3: Arts and crafts for home decoration.
Stoole has lots of praise for the crafty trend that has been spreading on the internet, but claims it could go further. “All of the craft forums online and people posting things they’ve made with everyday household objects reminded me of the old summer camp arts and crafts time. I didn’t need to spend any money on tools or trinkets, either, just making sure all my projects have a healthy dose of macaroni and glue. Now my place is decked out in its own crafty style.”

4: Lose the pet expenses.
Pets are great for companionship, but pet food and vet visits are extremely expensive. Stoole offers up cheap alternatives. “There are some things that kids want that are always expensive, like a dog or a cat. There was no way I could afford a pet on my budget, and while free admission days at the zoo are great, only seeing the animals once a week doesn’t really give much of a feeling of interaction. I was on the verge of getting a pet rock, despite that feeling more like my parents’ teen years than my childhood, but then I went with my nephew to the local park. Within five minutes he was trying to play with the squirrels, chasing them around the trees. It was perfect, just like running around with my dog as a kid, and it also doubles as great exercise.”

5: Spend more time with family.
Stoole’s last tip isn’t always the most popular, but it’s one of the biggest staples of childhood living. “So you’ve given up your TV, fancy restaurants, your stuff is covered in glitter and glue, and you’ve found companionship with the local squirrels, yet you still can’t cover all the bills. I got to that point and was just about to start looking for another job and work 80 hours a week, until I remembered the most important part of childhood living: family. It took some convincing, but I was able to move back in with my parents and even set up a home office where I can teach others about this new lifestyle option. Granted, all these changes caused my girlfriend to break up with me, but that’s alright, she had cooties anyway.”

For more information, Dr. Stoole can be reached at his home office anytime before his curfew.

Minor Annoyances Unit

Or: How to make a cardboard badge

So, some time ago, during my usual late-night habit of annoying the crap out of a few friends of mine online, an exchange occurred that gave me the idea of making a police badge for "The Minor Annoyances Unit." A specially trained unit to bring in for all of the most minor and petty complaints that cops get all the time.

Now, if you are unfamiliar with the way I do things in life, let me explain. If I find an idea even the slightest bit funny or entertaining, I jump at it and get right to work. Whether the idea is actually good is debatable, along with if it’ll be entertaining to anyone other than myself.

That should explain why within a few hours of the conversation I had a detailed plan of exactly what I was going to make.

First, using a stock image of a badge from the NYPD, I drew up an idea of how the badge would look.

All of my best plans are on post-it notes.

Pretty much just a copy of the stock image, but with an added ring on the inside to specify it as a badge for the Minor Annoyances Unit, as well as putting the badge number on the bottom as I’d seen in other stock images.

Another thing I noted while looking through stock images of badges was that if you’re going to go the whole ‘Law and Order’ route, you need an id to go with the badge.

Identity hidden to protect the innocent.

Just your basic id card. Picture of the officer, name, rank, etc. One bit I liked that I saw during my reference search was the idea of having the chief of the department or an otherwise higher ranking person sign the identification in order to authorize the officer on the force. Since I figured I would be the first person to get hit with the abuse of power, I put that bit in with the intention to name myself as the commanding officer.

This would also lend itself to my favorite movie cliché of being able to threaten to take her off the case for letting it get too personal just before she saves the day without the force’s help.

I'M TAKING YOU OFF THE HEDGE-TRIMMER CASE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN TURN IN YOUR BADGE!

Because seriously, who doesn’t want to be Frank McRae?

I even tried to come up with a decent logo design for the department which I could put onto the id:

Latin classes up anything.

While the final product would come out differently, the important bits are that the department’s initials held the center, and around them would be the Latin phrase “Muto Omnis Pro Nullus Causa,” which translates to “Punish All For No Reason.”

With planning complete, actual building begins.

Step 1: Get some cardboard and cut out the shapes.

A bunch of scraps.

I shouldn’t have to explain how to cut things out of cardboard. Get a knife (I use an old stencil scalpel in order to avoid crushing the cardboard from scissor pressure) and cut. I should probably give advice about cutting away from yourself and such to avoid injury, but I stab myself at least once every time I make anything even when following all the safety tips. Didn’t bleed on the project, though!

It's magic!

If everything was scaled correctly, the pieces should look good together like this.

Step 2: Base coat.

Check out that fancy Palatte.

This step might be optional, as my final product ended up with paint far too willing to chip and fall off, but I wanted to ensure the colors stayed as bright as possible instead of just bleeding into the cardboard. White paint everywhere.

Step 3: Colors.

That yellow sure looks like gold. Yup. Not like crap at all.

More painting done. Cover up all the white with the background color you need. The yellow I mixed came out a bit too bright, but in the end it still worked. I didn’t think to take a picture of it, but if your paint is thick enough, you can actually paint the sides of the cardboard, where there are likely a million small holes. Just use a large enough glob of paint and you can spread a layer that will hold together over the holes, making it look solid and smooth. A good trick, even though it is the messiest thing.

Step 4: Details, eye strain, start to panic.

Everything done freehand, obviously. I can't draw straight lines. Ever.

For the badge number, I used a smaller brush. Easy.
The center piece, however, called for details so small that no brush available would do. Every line, every letter, even the seal of New York in the center all had to be painted on by dipping the tip of a sharpened pencil into the paint and painting everything dot by dot. If you love monotonous work, or are actually an inkjet printer who somehow thinks you’re a person, you’ll love this bit.

This is also when I discovered that my paint was beginning to chip as it dried. While pencil-painting the center section, the head of the bird on the seal (or vaguely bird-shaped blob, as my painting work suggests) actually lifted off as I pulled the pencil away! If you ever want to hear me use a string of obscenities for ten minutes straight, just have me work on something for hours and show me that it’s begun to fall apart before it’s even finished.

Step 5: ASSEMBLE!

Almost done.

Glue those bits together!

I didn’t have glue, to be honest.
I did have adhesive putty.
So, this badge is being held together the same way a lot of posters are being held to college dorm walls. Works surprisingly well.

BONUS STEP: Damage control lamination.

Done!

Yep. I covered it in tape.

At least the paint won’t chip and fall off, now.
I also drew some other details on in ink just to make it look a touch better.

After a quick bit of photoshop, the badge and id were finished.

The image on the id changed, but the basics are still there.

The id was printed onto blank business card stock. If you don’t have business card stock, then I don’t know what to tell you. Abandon hope and give up forever.
Or just print it to the right size on some sturdy paper and cut it out, you know, whichever.

That’s how it’s done!

So, how were the props received?

What the hell did you do now, Steve?

Quite well, actually.
You can now rest easier knowing that the Minor Annoyances Unit is out there stopping people from bringing 11 items to the 10 items or less lane and all other annoyances with their own brand of justice.

Yet somehow I’m allowed to remain the complete annoyance I’ve always been.