So I've lived in this city for a few years now, and from the questions people ask me, it seems like there are a lot of assumptions made that should really be clarified. In all honesty, I've held a few of these myself, so this is no attempt to shame, just to educate.
#1: Alligators in the sewers
I'm not sure anyone truly believes this, but it's a big enough urban legend. No, you won't find any alligators in the sewers, just rats the size of alligators.
#2: Everywhere in the city is crowded
Manhattan is extremely crowded, and Times Square is pretty much abandoned to overpopulation. There are plenty of places in the city where you can stretch out, though. I live in Queens, and am actually able to reach out for six inches without hitting anyone. Plenty of space.
#3: Everything is expensive
The cost of living is high, indeed, but there are plenty of cheap things you can do. You can go to the zoo ($20), have a beer ($10-15), or a soda if you're not a drinker ($5), or just stand still and breathe the air ($2).
#4: Everyone is angry
You'll find plenty of angry people on their way to work, and I'm one of them to be sure. There are plenty of happy people all over the city, though. They're called tourists!
#5: The city is dirty
The city used to be much dirtier. Years ago people just threw their trash into the streets, but once public trash cans were set up, people began to aim for the cans and miss before leaving their trash in the street. The city is only going to get cleaner now that trash cans are being removed in order to stop littering. Eventually the city will just be reclassified as one giant trash can and technically there won't be any littering at all!
#6: There is a lot of crime
The more people, the more crime, that's just statistics. Bad apples can be anywhere, and when the city has a few million people in it, there's bound to be a few miscreants. However, as studies show, crime is going down everywhere, and you can really see it in NYC. Nowadays you only hear gunshots maybe twice a week.
#7: People only wear black
NYC is very fashionable, and black has been in fashion for a long time. All the fashion schools and runways around here mean people are going for the riskier styles, too. So you'll see more than just black, but also some greys and maybe even a navy blue!
#8: It's very noisy
Again, blame Manhattan for this. There's a lot of traffic, and rush hour is hell, but on off hours things quiet down a bit. You can even go to a park or library and you'll only have to slightly scream to be heard!
#9: There are no plants
NYC is very proud of its parks and foliage, and even has a program going on now to count all the trees in the city. We're hoping to reach double digits!
#10: The air is too polluted
Blame that rush hour again. It can seem bad when traffic is at a standstill, but NYC actually has some of the cleanest air around according to the Los Angeles city council.
Hopefully this clears some things up and gives you a more accurate image of where I live.
Showing posts with label article. Show all posts
Showing posts with label article. Show all posts
Monday, September 7, 2015
Monday, March 11, 2013
Lifestyle Tips From Childhood
So recently I wrote an article for an online magazine, mostly on a whim. I did pretty well in the selection process, but in the end the article wasn't chosen. Instead of letting it just sit around never to be seen, I've decided to post the rough copy here. Enjoy.
----------------------------------------
No matter how bad things get in the world, or how little money families have, there is at least one constant: kids will find a way to have fun with whatever they have. It’s almost enough to make those of us with $8/hour jobs and barely enough for bills extremely jealous. That was the thought Dr. Jeremy Stoole had, leading to decisions that changed his life and which he now promotes as a new lifestyle for those of us wishing to recapture our childhoods and lessen expenses.
“I felt like I was living on an allowance again,” Stoole tells, “and not even a good one. So, I started looking back at the times I really did have an allowance yet was happy with nothing, and started studying how the kids in my family stay happy. Eventually I figured out that if I gave up a lot of the new, expensive things I’ve come to enjoy as an adult, I could recapture that childhood joy and save some money in the process. It’s worked out well for me, so now I’m just trying to share my tips and maybe get a self-help book deal out of it.”
We asked Dr. Stoole if he’d be willing to share some of his childhood living tips with us, and he agreed to pass on five of the biggest lessons he’s learned:
1: Give up the big entertainment purchases.
According to Stoole, children don’t need a large budget for entertainment, and neither should you. “This was a hard one to accept when I first thought of it, but it’s probably the most basic rule. At the time I started this project I had cable, Netflix, and was going to movies whenever I could. Then I saw my young cousins playing during a family get-together, and realized they were making their own stories! As long as I had imagination, I didn’t need my big entertainment subscriptions. Now, I just have a big cardboard box set up in my living room that I can get inside and put on my own shows. My friends gave me strange looks at first, but now they come over just for my news reports and primetime dramas.”
2: Lessen the grocery budget.
Kids have simple tastes, and Stoole used this to make serious cuts in the weekly food budget. “Before I started this, I was spending lots of money on fancy restaurants and healthy groceries, but you never see a kid asking for spinach or looking to go to the newest fusion place downtown. Fast food and cheap processed groceries are the way to go. If you need inspiration, you can just look at public school lunches, as school boards all over the country seem to be using the same ideas in order to make the cheapest meals possible. Nothing beats my hot dogs cut up in mac and cheese, with a piece of frozen pizza on the side. Technically it‘s a vegetable now, so it‘s still a full meal.”
3: Arts and crafts for home decoration.
Stoole has lots of praise for the crafty trend that has been spreading on the internet, but claims it could go further. “All of the craft forums online and people posting things they’ve made with everyday household objects reminded me of the old summer camp arts and crafts time. I didn’t need to spend any money on tools or trinkets, either, just making sure all my projects have a healthy dose of macaroni and glue. Now my place is decked out in its own crafty style.”
4: Lose the pet expenses.
Pets are great for companionship, but pet food and vet visits are extremely expensive. Stoole offers up cheap alternatives. “There are some things that kids want that are always expensive, like a dog or a cat. There was no way I could afford a pet on my budget, and while free admission days at the zoo are great, only seeing the animals once a week doesn’t really give much of a feeling of interaction. I was on the verge of getting a pet rock, despite that feeling more like my parents’ teen years than my childhood, but then I went with my nephew to the local park. Within five minutes he was trying to play with the squirrels, chasing them around the trees. It was perfect, just like running around with my dog as a kid, and it also doubles as great exercise.”
5: Spend more time with family.
Stoole’s last tip isn’t always the most popular, but it’s one of the biggest staples of childhood living. “So you’ve given up your TV, fancy restaurants, your stuff is covered in glitter and glue, and you’ve found companionship with the local squirrels, yet you still can’t cover all the bills. I got to that point and was just about to start looking for another job and work 80 hours a week, until I remembered the most important part of childhood living: family. It took some convincing, but I was able to move back in with my parents and even set up a home office where I can teach others about this new lifestyle option. Granted, all these changes caused my girlfriend to break up with me, but that’s alright, she had cooties anyway.”
For more information, Dr. Stoole can be reached at his home office anytime before his curfew.
----------------------------------------
No matter how bad things get in the world, or how little money families have, there is at least one constant: kids will find a way to have fun with whatever they have. It’s almost enough to make those of us with $8/hour jobs and barely enough for bills extremely jealous. That was the thought Dr. Jeremy Stoole had, leading to decisions that changed his life and which he now promotes as a new lifestyle for those of us wishing to recapture our childhoods and lessen expenses.
“I felt like I was living on an allowance again,” Stoole tells, “and not even a good one. So, I started looking back at the times I really did have an allowance yet was happy with nothing, and started studying how the kids in my family stay happy. Eventually I figured out that if I gave up a lot of the new, expensive things I’ve come to enjoy as an adult, I could recapture that childhood joy and save some money in the process. It’s worked out well for me, so now I’m just trying to share my tips and maybe get a self-help book deal out of it.”
We asked Dr. Stoole if he’d be willing to share some of his childhood living tips with us, and he agreed to pass on five of the biggest lessons he’s learned:
1: Give up the big entertainment purchases.
According to Stoole, children don’t need a large budget for entertainment, and neither should you. “This was a hard one to accept when I first thought of it, but it’s probably the most basic rule. At the time I started this project I had cable, Netflix, and was going to movies whenever I could. Then I saw my young cousins playing during a family get-together, and realized they were making their own stories! As long as I had imagination, I didn’t need my big entertainment subscriptions. Now, I just have a big cardboard box set up in my living room that I can get inside and put on my own shows. My friends gave me strange looks at first, but now they come over just for my news reports and primetime dramas.”
2: Lessen the grocery budget.
Kids have simple tastes, and Stoole used this to make serious cuts in the weekly food budget. “Before I started this, I was spending lots of money on fancy restaurants and healthy groceries, but you never see a kid asking for spinach or looking to go to the newest fusion place downtown. Fast food and cheap processed groceries are the way to go. If you need inspiration, you can just look at public school lunches, as school boards all over the country seem to be using the same ideas in order to make the cheapest meals possible. Nothing beats my hot dogs cut up in mac and cheese, with a piece of frozen pizza on the side. Technically it‘s a vegetable now, so it‘s still a full meal.”
3: Arts and crafts for home decoration.
Stoole has lots of praise for the crafty trend that has been spreading on the internet, but claims it could go further. “All of the craft forums online and people posting things they’ve made with everyday household objects reminded me of the old summer camp arts and crafts time. I didn’t need to spend any money on tools or trinkets, either, just making sure all my projects have a healthy dose of macaroni and glue. Now my place is decked out in its own crafty style.”
4: Lose the pet expenses.
Pets are great for companionship, but pet food and vet visits are extremely expensive. Stoole offers up cheap alternatives. “There are some things that kids want that are always expensive, like a dog or a cat. There was no way I could afford a pet on my budget, and while free admission days at the zoo are great, only seeing the animals once a week doesn’t really give much of a feeling of interaction. I was on the verge of getting a pet rock, despite that feeling more like my parents’ teen years than my childhood, but then I went with my nephew to the local park. Within five minutes he was trying to play with the squirrels, chasing them around the trees. It was perfect, just like running around with my dog as a kid, and it also doubles as great exercise.”
5: Spend more time with family.
Stoole’s last tip isn’t always the most popular, but it’s one of the biggest staples of childhood living. “So you’ve given up your TV, fancy restaurants, your stuff is covered in glitter and glue, and you’ve found companionship with the local squirrels, yet you still can’t cover all the bills. I got to that point and was just about to start looking for another job and work 80 hours a week, until I remembered the most important part of childhood living: family. It took some convincing, but I was able to move back in with my parents and even set up a home office where I can teach others about this new lifestyle option. Granted, all these changes caused my girlfriend to break up with me, but that’s alright, she had cooties anyway.”
For more information, Dr. Stoole can be reached at his home office anytime before his curfew.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
A Guide to Falling Down a Bottomless Pit
When you find yourself falling down a bottomless pit, you tend to ask a lot of questions.
Not at first, of course. At first you’re all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and the like, but eventually you run out of breath and have to think for a second. Of course, you’re likely to just start screaming again, but eventually you’ll adjust to the new sensations and the questions will begin.
It starts simple: “How long until I hit the bottom and die?”
This is a stupid question. You’re in a bottomless pit. It’s stated right in the name that there is no bottom, so there is nothing at the end for you to hit.
This will then lead to questions about the pit. If there’s no bottom, then would one die if they started hitting the sides? Would I eventually starve to death? How is it physically possible for a pit to have no bottom? If it really doesn’t have a bottom, does it just reach to the center of the planet? And if so, will I eventually stop falling and just hover somewhere in the middle when I reach the center of gravity?
You won’t really find any answers to these questions, since the eventualities will never happen.
Except maybe that bit about hitting the sides, if you’re brave/dumb/crazy enough to angle your descent and go crashing into the walls on your way down. You can get an answer for that one, and the answer is “JESUS, OW.”
After the period of questioning the pit, you will begin to question yourself.
“How did I end up in this pit?” “Why didn’t I bring a parachute?” “Hey, could I spit from here and just watch the loogie hover next to me?”
Eventually you’ll become bored with questioning yourself. Usually right after you end up getting a face full of loogie.
From that point, you’ll start pondering the questions of the cosmos, life, the universe, love, everything. You’ve found yourself with an unlimited amount of time, so don’t be afraid to get into the really deep questioning, or to spend hours, days, months, or years solving just one problem.
It will take time, but enlightenment will come.
The Buddha found his under a tree, yours will come in an endless freefall. With nothing else to do, it’s bound to happen eventually.
Unfortunately, enlightenment won’t cure your boredom. The same blurs rushing past you, the same sensation of terminal velocity, you’ve encountered all this before and you’ll see it over and over again for all time.
This is about when the madness sets in.
Your mind will be forced to find ways to amuse itself. It will most likely end up being at your expense. Expect to have hallucinations of all kind: auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory, and that really awful one where it feels like you have to sneeze but no sneeze will ever come.
This phase will last the longest, as no one has yet gotten past it to discover what comes next. We do however know that when you reach the peak of madness, you’ll start performing actions that will clearly show the deterioration of your mind.
Actions like writing a guide about being trapped in a bottomless pit, for example.
Well, that used up a few minutes. Now what shall I do?
I guess I’ll scream some more.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Not at first, of course. At first you’re all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and the like, but eventually you run out of breath and have to think for a second. Of course, you’re likely to just start screaming again, but eventually you’ll adjust to the new sensations and the questions will begin.
It starts simple: “How long until I hit the bottom and die?”
This is a stupid question. You’re in a bottomless pit. It’s stated right in the name that there is no bottom, so there is nothing at the end for you to hit.
This will then lead to questions about the pit. If there’s no bottom, then would one die if they started hitting the sides? Would I eventually starve to death? How is it physically possible for a pit to have no bottom? If it really doesn’t have a bottom, does it just reach to the center of the planet? And if so, will I eventually stop falling and just hover somewhere in the middle when I reach the center of gravity?
You won’t really find any answers to these questions, since the eventualities will never happen.
Except maybe that bit about hitting the sides, if you’re brave/dumb/crazy enough to angle your descent and go crashing into the walls on your way down. You can get an answer for that one, and the answer is “JESUS, OW.”
After the period of questioning the pit, you will begin to question yourself.
“How did I end up in this pit?” “Why didn’t I bring a parachute?” “Hey, could I spit from here and just watch the loogie hover next to me?”
Eventually you’ll become bored with questioning yourself. Usually right after you end up getting a face full of loogie.
From that point, you’ll start pondering the questions of the cosmos, life, the universe, love, everything. You’ve found yourself with an unlimited amount of time, so don’t be afraid to get into the really deep questioning, or to spend hours, days, months, or years solving just one problem.
It will take time, but enlightenment will come.
The Buddha found his under a tree, yours will come in an endless freefall. With nothing else to do, it’s bound to happen eventually.
Unfortunately, enlightenment won’t cure your boredom. The same blurs rushing past you, the same sensation of terminal velocity, you’ve encountered all this before and you’ll see it over and over again for all time.
This is about when the madness sets in.
Your mind will be forced to find ways to amuse itself. It will most likely end up being at your expense. Expect to have hallucinations of all kind: auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory, and that really awful one where it feels like you have to sneeze but no sneeze will ever come.
This phase will last the longest, as no one has yet gotten past it to discover what comes next. We do however know that when you reach the peak of madness, you’ll start performing actions that will clearly show the deterioration of your mind.
Actions like writing a guide about being trapped in a bottomless pit, for example.
Well, that used up a few minutes. Now what shall I do?
I guess I’ll scream some more.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Friday, December 2, 2011
Games I Haven’t Played Reviews - Skyrim
Hello, and welcome to the first installement of Games I Haven’t Played Reviews, where I review a game without having played any of it, making my opinions from youtube videos instead, and in the end decide whether I will eventually purchase or avoid the game. This edition’s game - The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Skyrim is the latest in the popular Elder Scrolls series, taking place in the frozen Viking-themed area of the series’ kingdom. Now, I have played previous Elder Scrolls games, so I can’t honestly say that I’m completely inexperienced in the game world. I know it has a number of your basic RPG elements. Pick a class and race and go out into the world to complete side quest after side quest to gain levels and kick stronger and stronger ass.
You’ll start your game as all Elder Scrolls games begin. Imprisoned. In a few minutes, however, you’ll see the story begin and be able to choose a race. You have a number of choices: humans, elves, werewolves, cat and lizard people. The only correct choice, however, is the Dark Elves, because you can be Danny Trejo.
As for classes, there doesn’t seem to be a way to choose anymore, instead allowing you to play however you like. Of course, to be effective you’ll end up falling into one of the usual types: warrior, mage, thief. This game has added a bunch of new powers, though, allowing you to mix and match more than before. Dual-wielding was the most hyped addition, but from what I’ve seen, the most popular power is cheeseomancy.
Truly one of the best spells.
Once you’ve set your character and picked some starting equipment, you’ll get attacked right away by some of the new enemies the game has to offer. Dragons.
Apparently there’s a lot of them.
Yes, unlike the previous games where your first taste of combat is a room full of rats, this game just drops dragons on you like nobody’s business and tells you ‘deal with it.’ If you survive the initial attack and maybe defeat the dragon? I don’t know. You’ll get through it somehow and can then move on to the main storyline which is something about you being descended from dragons, so you need to kill dragons and gain dragon powers and dragons dragons dragons.
One of the dragon powers. Really loud shouting.
There doesn’t need to be much in the way of story, though, for this game to be good, since you’ll just spend all your time doing side quests and putting pots on people’s heads in order to rob them blind.
They’re like babies. No object permanence.
When not running around towns being a dick to townsfolk, your main activity in the game will be combat, in which you will die. A lot. Because not only have dragons been added to the series, but giants have come in as well, and they kill you so hard even gravity gives up on you.
“You’re on your own.” - Gravity
You can get help, though. Another addition is something Bethesda has done previously in their Fallout series, AI companions!
They’re as bright as one would expect.
If you persevere, you can get through the tough battles and gain more strength and powers, much like any rpg, and once you feel safe enough, you’ll be able to relax and take in the stunning scenery of the game. Seriously, the game looks great. Just don’t stare TOO closely, or else you might see some of the various glitches that have been occurring to players.
See if you can spot the glitch in this video. It’s subtle.
Altogether, it looks like Skyrim has a huge immersive (kinda) world, where there is a lot of good derpy fun to be had. Also, I enjoyed the previous games in the series (none of which I’ve ever finished), so my recommendation is this: if you like action-rpgs and dicking around for no reason, you’ll probably like this.
Skyrim is the latest in the popular Elder Scrolls series, taking place in the frozen Viking-themed area of the series’ kingdom. Now, I have played previous Elder Scrolls games, so I can’t honestly say that I’m completely inexperienced in the game world. I know it has a number of your basic RPG elements. Pick a class and race and go out into the world to complete side quest after side quest to gain levels and kick stronger and stronger ass.
You’ll start your game as all Elder Scrolls games begin. Imprisoned. In a few minutes, however, you’ll see the story begin and be able to choose a race. You have a number of choices: humans, elves, werewolves, cat and lizard people. The only correct choice, however, is the Dark Elves, because you can be Danny Trejo.
 |
| Why would you be anything else? |
As for classes, there doesn’t seem to be a way to choose anymore, instead allowing you to play however you like. Of course, to be effective you’ll end up falling into one of the usual types: warrior, mage, thief. This game has added a bunch of new powers, though, allowing you to mix and match more than before. Dual-wielding was the most hyped addition, but from what I’ve seen, the most popular power is cheeseomancy.
Truly one of the best spells.
Once you’ve set your character and picked some starting equipment, you’ll get attacked right away by some of the new enemies the game has to offer. Dragons.
Apparently there’s a lot of them.
Yes, unlike the previous games where your first taste of combat is a room full of rats, this game just drops dragons on you like nobody’s business and tells you ‘deal with it.’ If you survive the initial attack and maybe defeat the dragon? I don’t know. You’ll get through it somehow and can then move on to the main storyline which is something about you being descended from dragons, so you need to kill dragons and gain dragon powers and dragons dragons dragons.
One of the dragon powers. Really loud shouting.
There doesn’t need to be much in the way of story, though, for this game to be good, since you’ll just spend all your time doing side quests and putting pots on people’s heads in order to rob them blind.
They’re like babies. No object permanence.
When not running around towns being a dick to townsfolk, your main activity in the game will be combat, in which you will die. A lot. Because not only have dragons been added to the series, but giants have come in as well, and they kill you so hard even gravity gives up on you.
“You’re on your own.” - Gravity
You can get help, though. Another addition is something Bethesda has done previously in their Fallout series, AI companions!
They’re as bright as one would expect.
If you persevere, you can get through the tough battles and gain more strength and powers, much like any rpg, and once you feel safe enough, you’ll be able to relax and take in the stunning scenery of the game. Seriously, the game looks great. Just don’t stare TOO closely, or else you might see some of the various glitches that have been occurring to players.
See if you can spot the glitch in this video. It’s subtle.
Altogether, it looks like Skyrim has a huge immersive (kinda) world, where there is a lot of good derpy fun to be had. Also, I enjoyed the previous games in the series (none of which I’ve ever finished), so my recommendation is this: if you like action-rpgs and dicking around for no reason, you’ll probably like this.
Monday, February 14, 2011
WTF Batman
This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
This one’s the best, though.
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
Or is it the grappling hook?
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
I’m Batman
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
I’m Batman. This is a batarang.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!
This one’s the best, though.
I’m Bat…what is this?
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
I’m Grim Reaper Batman.
Or is it the grappling hook?
I’m Batman. I can climb real high.
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
I’m overburdened!
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Half-Assed Recipe Time
Recently, for a holiday potluck party, I decided to do something special and make some savory treats for my friends. They came out somewhat unique and were a big hit, so I'm going to share the recipe with you. One problem, though:
I don't measure anything.
So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.
First, gather your ingredients:
You will need:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)
There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.
Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.
Roll it out and cut out circles. You'll be folding the circles in half, so make sure that the size of half a circle is as big as you want the finished meat pie to be. Something I noticed when I made these is that they are actually better tasting at a smaller size. So, either plan to use these as semi-large hors d'oeuvres, or to have a couple of them for a meal.
Now for the fun part:
I don't measure anything.
So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.
JUSTICE MEAT PIES
First, gather your ingredients:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)
There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.
Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.
Now for the fun part:
Stuff the circles!
You won't need much, unless you're going against my advice and making some gigantic meat pies. Just a little bit of each ingredient, not even a full spoonful. Some meat, veggies, potato, cheese, all piled in the center of the circle. Don't let it get too close to the edge or you'll have trouble closing it, and not too high or else you'll overstuff it. Since there were going to be some vegetarians at the party, I made sure they could have some pies as well:
I just made sure to not put meat in theirs.
Now, be sure not to overstuff these things, or else they'll pop in the oven and you'll just have a little ball of dough with all of the insides leaking out next to it. It'll probably happen anyway, but a small leak due to a slight overstuffing is better than a really overstuffed pie that just has everything leaking everywhere.
Small mess > big mess
That's all I'm really trying to say there.
You might notice that I have my dough on some little plastic things. Those plastic trays actually fold over and crimp the edges of the dough for me, removing a whole step from the process for me. If you don't have those, don't worry, you don't need them.
Now that you have the small pile of delicious in your dough, brush a little egg wash around the edge of the dough, and fold it in half. If you don't have the fancy crimping thing I do, just take a fork and press the edges together with it, the egg wash will act as a glue to hold the whole thing together.
Be sure to poke a hole or two in the pastry to let out steam while it cooks, or else you'll get those leaks I was talking about earlier. You don't want those. Holes are important. I can't stress this enough. Make holes.
Also, brush some egg wash on top of the pastry. It'll give you a nice golden brown when you bake it. It can also serve as a glue in case you decide to do like I did:
I had extra dough which I used to put letters on the pies. Since the party was a bunch of members of Justice Productions, the word Justice was the only natural choice. I had a system, too. Consonants (J,S,T,C) had the meat and vowels (U,I,E) were vegetarian.
In the end, with the amount of dough I had, I was able to make somewhere around 20-30 pies. I still had tons of ingredients left over, so if you make around as much as I did in that first picture, you'll have enough to make way more than 30 small pies. Enough for just about any party.
As for baking, just bake like the instructions on the box of dough should say. Usually around 350 or 450 for about 20 minutes. You'll know they're done when they reach a nice golden brown.
The numbers aren't important. Measuring, timing, etc. I do none of that. This is easy to make, just have fun and know what to look for and you'll do fine.
Or burn everything.
GOOD LUCK!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monopoly!
Recently, I was experiencing some internet Monopoly, and found myself wondering about the pieces that have become part of the game. In every version they’re different, and usually only very slightly connected to the feeling of the game. What do dogs and battleships have to do with building houses and collecting rent, anyway.
Of course, the internet had an answer.
The game was made with the intention of using just random bits of things to use as pieces. In that spirit, I thought it might be a good idea to list off some of the better choices to having a unique piece in your Monopoly games.
Of course, the internet had an answer.
The game was made with the intention of using just random bits of things to use as pieces. In that spirit, I thought it might be a good idea to list off some of the better choices to having a unique piece in your Monopoly games.
There’s the classic lost button that Hasbro itself has suggested.
They also suggested coins.
The higher rollers might like to raise the stakes a little.
In our technological age, there’s always loose batteries lying around.
Or even those little SD cards for those players who love their tech.
Some people hate long board games, so for them, a watch can let them know when to stop.
Multitaskers and social butterflies would love just using their phone.
Collectors might like using an action figure, it could feel like an adventure.
Big eaters and foodies might like to use some treats as their piece.
Or a utensil, in case they eat the treat.
Gamers could always use their favorite game as a piece.
Or play the game with a controller, like they’re used to.
Readers can even use their favorite book to play.
Or you can always just use things from around the house, paperweights and sculptures.
If you’re really strapped for ideas, you can always just give up and grab the first thing you see.
I, however, will always and forever be the top hat.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Advanced Robotics
July 2010. The robot untethered distance record has been broken again. Cornell University’s Ranger robot has taken the record by traveling 14.3 miles unassisted by any wires or tethers to hold it upright. The competition in the world of robots is fierce, and the results are quite impressive.
Now, this being the internet, as soon as word breaks out that robots have become better, faster, stronger, smarter, or in any way better than they used to be; tons of site start writing articles about how robots are going to take over the world. Thing is, robots are ridiculous and often rather dumb.
Case in point, take a look at a video of the record breaker the last time it broke the record:
A box with spindly long cartoon bug legs.
It can break walking records, sure, but that’s all it can do. Most robots that exist are only really good at a few select things. They can walk,
Swim,
Solve Rubik’s cubes,
Show emotions,
But never all at once.
It would take a combination of all these traits on order to become truly terrifying.
The Ranger robot’s competition, Big Dog from Boston Dynamics, is supposed to have a combination of these traits. It previously took the title of distance walking from Ranger and is also capable of balancing itself over any kind of terrain.
Yet look, not terrifying:
Oh wait, that was Little Dog. Boston Dynamic’s smaller model of the robot. THIS is Big Dog:
AAAAHH!
Ok. That’s pretty creepy. Did you see it? It moves like it’s ALIVE, even on ice! You can kick the monster, but you can’t stop it. It just keeps moving, heading towards some unknown goal while making a terrible grinding noise that came out of someone’s nightmares.
There’s even been talk of Big Dog having military applications. Mostly just to carry things around though, so no matter how creepy it might become at least we don’t have to worry about it being used as any kind of weapon. Besides, how would someone weaponize an unstoppable charging machine?
Oh. That’s how.
Well, even if the robots can become more powerful, we still have nothing to worry about…
…because they’re still dumb.
Now, this being the internet, as soon as word breaks out that robots have become better, faster, stronger, smarter, or in any way better than they used to be; tons of site start writing articles about how robots are going to take over the world. Thing is, robots are ridiculous and often rather dumb.
Case in point, take a look at a video of the record breaker the last time it broke the record:
A box with spindly long cartoon bug legs.
It can break walking records, sure, but that’s all it can do. Most robots that exist are only really good at a few select things. They can walk,
Swim,
Solve Rubik’s cubes,
Show emotions,
But never all at once.
It would take a combination of all these traits on order to become truly terrifying.
The Ranger robot’s competition, Big Dog from Boston Dynamics, is supposed to have a combination of these traits. It previously took the title of distance walking from Ranger and is also capable of balancing itself over any kind of terrain.
Yet look, not terrifying:
Oh wait, that was Little Dog. Boston Dynamic’s smaller model of the robot. THIS is Big Dog:
AAAAHH!
Ok. That’s pretty creepy. Did you see it? It moves like it’s ALIVE, even on ice! You can kick the monster, but you can’t stop it. It just keeps moving, heading towards some unknown goal while making a terrible grinding noise that came out of someone’s nightmares.
There’s even been talk of Big Dog having military applications. Mostly just to carry things around though, so no matter how creepy it might become at least we don’t have to worry about it being used as any kind of weapon. Besides, how would someone weaponize an unstoppable charging machine?
Oh. That’s how.
Well, even if the robots can become more powerful, we still have nothing to worry about…
…because they’re still dumb.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Gaming Industry is Silly
So, E3 happened recently. The supposed gaming mecca, where journalists get to see all the new amazing things that game companies will be bringing out over the next year and where retailers get to understand a little more about what they’re selling (and maybe even pick a few new things to sell). Consumers love to find out the news from the convention, partially because they’re obsessed with gaming and partially because the event is always full of nonsense.
What kind of nonsense?
How about Cirque du Soleil coming out with a giant animatronic elephant…
…in order to promote a device specifically made to make you look dumb in your living room?
Those are images of people playing some games on Microsoft’s new ‘Kinect’ camera, which makes you the controller. You can now be the tool used to play your games.
Or what about Sony’s answer to the Kinect and the Wii, the new Playstation Move?
Yup. Multicolored wiimote lollypop. Works about the same, too.
Obviously, this means everyone is trying to copy Nintendo’s success by adding their own motion control systems. If Nintendo is the one being copied, though, how can they possibly be more ridiculous than the competition?
By being Nintendo, that’s how. A handheld system with 3d effects without 3d glasses, and company guys making silly faces.
It’s not just the first party companies who can make absurd nonsense happen, though.
Konami had Mexican wrestlers show up to promote a luchadore game:
Finally, EA unveiled a game with the most absurd one-liners that I’ve ever seen (it starts around 2:50 in):
I do not speak train.
E3. Total nonsense.
What kind of nonsense?
How about Cirque du Soleil coming out with a giant animatronic elephant…
…in order to promote a device specifically made to make you look dumb in your living room?
Those are images of people playing some games on Microsoft’s new ‘Kinect’ camera, which makes you the controller. You can now be the tool used to play your games.
Tool is right.
Or what about Sony’s answer to the Kinect and the Wii, the new Playstation Move?
Yup. Multicolored wiimote lollypop. Works about the same, too.
Obviously, this means everyone is trying to copy Nintendo’s success by adding their own motion control systems. If Nintendo is the one being copied, though, how can they possibly be more ridiculous than the competition?
By being Nintendo, that’s how. A handheld system with 3d effects without 3d glasses, and company guys making silly faces.
It’s not just the first party companies who can make absurd nonsense happen, though.
Konami had Mexican wrestlers show up to promote a luchadore game:
Finally, EA unveiled a game with the most absurd one-liners that I’ve ever seen (it starts around 2:50 in):
I do not speak train.
E3. Total nonsense.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Doubled Over
I did something stupid recently.
You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.
This thing.
This fucking thing right here.
Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.
I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.
When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.
Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.
When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.
Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.
When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”
The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…
…let’s just call it a vague warning.
VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.
*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*
You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.
This thing.
This fucking thing right here.
Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.
I love how they act like we’ve been asking for this for years.
I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.
When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.
Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.
When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.
KFC has done such before
Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.
When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”
The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…
…let’s just call it a vague warning.
VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.
*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*
Friday, April 16, 2010
Beans, Beans, Beans, Beans
Jellybeans. Little candies beloved by all. Every year, if you celebrate Easter, you likely obtain a ton of them. Over the past few years, I keep collecting them and haven’t been able to finish them. Thus, I have an overabundance of the things and recently decided to track down some ideas of what to do with them:
BAKE THEM
The most common of the options. Tired of eating plain jellybeans? BAKE THEM IN STUFF. If you look online for any kind of jellybean recipe, this is what you’ll find. It makes sense to put sweet things together, but you still have to chew gummy-textured little things. If you’ve ever looked at a giant pile of jellybeans after eating too many of them, you know this option is terrible.
So, no getting jelly stuck to teeth…how about:
DRINK THEM
Another abundant search result. As with just about anything edible, people will turn their candies into booze. Leave candies in vodka or some such liquor for a time until they dissolve and leave their flavor in the alcohol. Simple and popular. So popular, in fact, jelly belly even makes their own drink mixes. I have a bit too many jellybeans on my hands, however, so doing this would just make me die of alcohol poisoning.
No intoxication, then. Maybe if I:
MAKE OTHER CANDY WITH THEM
Jellybean brittle. Yes, it’s possible to melt them down, mix them with other ingredients, and make other kinds of candy with them. An interesting idea, sure, but something seems a little off about something crunchy having the same flavor as jellybeans.
Still, that’s not as weird as making them crunchy by:
FRY THEM
You can thank Texas for this. Deep fried Jellybeans. Rolled in funnel cake batter first, which I suppose makes it a bit more normal. Still, though, is there anything left that we as a species haven’t deep fried? Cookies, candy bars, hamburgers, and now jellybeans? I might try this option anyway, since I am American and as such need deep fry oil to live, but I don’t want to be a stereotype.
Can’t be pigeonholed when you:
MAKE MANDARIN CHICKEN WITH THEM
Wait, what? That doesn’t make much sense, but-
LARRY KING
No, this is just getting silly now-
BACON
…
Goddamnit, internet.
BAKE THEM
The most common of the options. Tired of eating plain jellybeans? BAKE THEM IN STUFF. If you look online for any kind of jellybean recipe, this is what you’ll find. It makes sense to put sweet things together, but you still have to chew gummy-textured little things. If you’ve ever looked at a giant pile of jellybeans after eating too many of them, you know this option is terrible.
So, no getting jelly stuck to teeth…how about:
DRINK THEM
Another abundant search result. As with just about anything edible, people will turn their candies into booze. Leave candies in vodka or some such liquor for a time until they dissolve and leave their flavor in the alcohol. Simple and popular. So popular, in fact, jelly belly even makes their own drink mixes. I have a bit too many jellybeans on my hands, however, so doing this would just make me die of alcohol poisoning.
No intoxication, then. Maybe if I:
MAKE OTHER CANDY WITH THEM
Jellybean brittle. Yes, it’s possible to melt them down, mix them with other ingredients, and make other kinds of candy with them. An interesting idea, sure, but something seems a little off about something crunchy having the same flavor as jellybeans.
Still, that’s not as weird as making them crunchy by:
FRY THEM
You can thank Texas for this. Deep fried Jellybeans. Rolled in funnel cake batter first, which I suppose makes it a bit more normal. Still, though, is there anything left that we as a species haven’t deep fried? Cookies, candy bars, hamburgers, and now jellybeans? I might try this option anyway, since I am American and as such need deep fry oil to live, but I don’t want to be a stereotype.
Can’t be pigeonholed when you:
MAKE MANDARIN CHICKEN WITH THEM
Wait, what? That doesn’t make much sense, but-
LARRY KING
No, this is just getting silly now-
BACON
…
Goddamnit, internet.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Well, it’s that time of year again. It comes earlier and earlier every year, and unsurprisingly it began even before Halloween this year. That’s right, I’m talking about those blasted holidays. The time where everyone loses their minds entirely over CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS BUY SHIT HOLY CRAP IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have any problems with the holidays in general. A time of year where the family gets together for good or ill, feasting and festing for over a month, then wrapping it all up with the idea of getting a fresh start in a new year. All of that sounds great. Unfortunately, that all gets buried under tons and tons of nonsense. Things like how you need to buy this shiny fancy new thing for those you care about or they’ll never love you ever ever again, or morons crying about an imaginary “war on Christmas” because they believe their holiday and way of life is more important than anyone else’s. A bit of a selfish line of thinking for a season described as one of giving, isn’t it?
It’s this same overblown defense of a holiday in absolutely no danger that had me wondering recently: where the hell did this start? How could anyone come to the conclusion that anyone was out to annihilate Christmas?
Then I figured it out.
Christmas specials.
Every year, kids watch specials on TV, where CHRISTMAS IS IN DANGER AND ONLY (insert name here) CAN SAVE IT. Ernest, Elmo, Tim Allen, a ragtag group of kids, Air Bud’s puppies, the list goes on. There was even a porno made with the theme of saving Christmas! It’s been pounded into impressionable minds for years that every year some maniacal jerk is going to come out of the woodwork and kill Santa, curb stomp baby Jesus, or burn down every toy store in the country.
My theory is that these same kids grew up and found themselves ready to fight for their holiday like they’d seen in so many adventures, but in a world where no one really gave enough of a crap to even try to stop Christmas from happening. When one is so intent on believing that an enemy could strike at any time, but no enemy exists, inventing one is the next best thing. Thus, every story about some neighborhood scrooge, every time Christmas isn’t treated like the only holiday of the season, it is all taken as attacks from this unseen monster bent on destroying their beloved celebration and we get to watch them go insane.
If these people could just look around clearly for a second, they might notice that their holiday is safe as can be. It’s already eaten all of December and November and caused the day after Thanksgiving to be one of the finest examples of humanity at its worst. It has power.
So please, if anyone reading this is upset that their precious Christmas is being attacked, do me a favor and shut up. I’d like to keep my Octobers for creepiness and my Novembers for gluttony.
Besides, do you really want to defend a holiday that causes things like this to happen?
I didn’t think so.
If that video wasn’t enough to get you to hate those kids, try going here and seeing some of their other cheers. I recommend ‘Vegetarian RSVP’ for an extra dose of rage.
After all that pain, I need something to make me feel better about the world…
Ahh. Much better.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Seth MacFarlane Craps Gold
Recently I’ve had the unique situation fall in my lap to watch Fox’s Sunday night lineup, the continuation of their ‘Animation Domination’ block. Now, Fox has had a long history of airing cartoons on Sunday night. It’s general knowledge that The Simpsons has been in that block since what feels like the beginning of time. It is also common knowledge that when the network comes across a formula that makes money, they will repeat it ad nauseum (as any network will do, they are looking to make a profit after all). The first time they did this with their cartoon block, it resulted with letting Futurama on the air. The premise for this being that since Matt Groening made The Simpsons, and that show was profitable (read: prints money), his other show must be the same.
Of course, that show had a somewhat different formula, so it was eventually axed (the fate of most good things on Fox).
This time, they’ve managed to find such a winning formula that they can air what is essentially the same show three times in a row. It should be obvious I’m talking about the Family Guy formula; the formula of basic sitcom family comedy that’s used in Family Guy, American Dad, and the new spinoff The Cleveland Show.
Now, I enjoyed Family Guy when it first came out. Its odd sense of humor struck me, and I followed it as much as I could until it was cancelled and after it was rerun on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block. When it came back on the air, I was excited at first, but that faded within the first episode of the new season when they got too self-referential and non sequitor (they always had some non sequitor jokes, but the first episodes at least had more related to the plot of the day). American Dad was pretty enjoyable too, nothing really new, but took the formula from Family Guy and put it in a different enough setting to allow for different stories.
The Cleveland Show, however, seems to be bringing nothing new to the table. I know it’s still pretty new, so I may be surprised later on, but so far it gives me the impression that if you replaced The Cleveland Show’s cast with Family Guy’s there would be little to no discernable difference. To prove this theory, let’s play a little game. Take a look at the following scenarios and try to guess which ones came from Family Guy and which came from The Cleveland Show:
Dad remembers that one time in college when he was roommates with the Elephant Man.
Dad teaches one of the kids how to look up skirts without being caught.
Parents accidentally get another family’s kid taken away by child services, problem solved with huge gunfight.
Incredibly flamboyant shoe shopping montage.
Cutaway joke to caveman training dogs.
Give up? Ok, I lied, they’re all from The Cleveland Show. Could you figure it out? I know I couldn’t, and I was watching them as they happened. For almost the entirety of my time watching the show, I kept finding myself expecting it to cut back to the Griffins doing something retarded.
If you’re a die-hard fan of Family Guy, you’ll more than likely love this show as well. If you’ve grown to hate Family Guy, avoid it like the plague. Either way, Seth MacFarlane has found himself in a position to sit on a golden throne and burn money for warmth, all from having the same idea over and over. If this continues, look forward to watching the Fox ALL SETH ALL THE TIME lineup and the new Greased-Up Deaf Guy Show.
Yeah. I’m calling it.
The Cleveland Show
3/5 Overall
0/5 for originality
Of course, that show had a somewhat different formula, so it was eventually axed (the fate of most good things on Fox).
This time, they’ve managed to find such a winning formula that they can air what is essentially the same show three times in a row. It should be obvious I’m talking about the Family Guy formula; the formula of basic sitcom family comedy that’s used in Family Guy, American Dad, and the new spinoff The Cleveland Show.Now, I enjoyed Family Guy when it first came out. Its odd sense of humor struck me, and I followed it as much as I could until it was cancelled and after it was rerun on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block. When it came back on the air, I was excited at first, but that faded within the first episode of the new season when they got too self-referential and non sequitor (they always had some non sequitor jokes, but the first episodes at least had more related to the plot of the day). American Dad was pretty enjoyable too, nothing really new, but took the formula from Family Guy and put it in a different enough setting to allow for different stories.
The Cleveland Show, however, seems to be bringing nothing new to the table. I know it’s still pretty new, so I may be surprised later on, but so far it gives me the impression that if you replaced The Cleveland Show’s cast with Family Guy’s there would be little to no discernable difference. To prove this theory, let’s play a little game. Take a look at the following scenarios and try to guess which ones came from Family Guy and which came from The Cleveland Show:Dad remembers that one time in college when he was roommates with the Elephant Man.
Dad teaches one of the kids how to look up skirts without being caught.
Parents accidentally get another family’s kid taken away by child services, problem solved with huge gunfight.
Incredibly flamboyant shoe shopping montage.
Cutaway joke to caveman training dogs.
Give up? Ok, I lied, they’re all from The Cleveland Show. Could you figure it out? I know I couldn’t, and I was watching them as they happened. For almost the entirety of my time watching the show, I kept finding myself expecting it to cut back to the Griffins doing something retarded.If you’re a die-hard fan of Family Guy, you’ll more than likely love this show as well. If you’ve grown to hate Family Guy, avoid it like the plague. Either way, Seth MacFarlane has found himself in a position to sit on a golden throne and burn money for warmth, all from having the same idea over and over. If this continues, look forward to watching the Fox ALL SETH ALL THE TIME lineup and the new Greased-Up Deaf Guy Show.
Yeah. I’m calling it.
The Cleveland Show
3/5 Overall
0/5 for originality
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