Some past work

Oh hey, I still have this blog.

Haven't written anything in quite some time, but currently working on some sketches and animations. They will be coming in the next few months (years?).

Until then, watch this video:



Paige Turner, NYC's loveliest drag queen, made this parody song and used me for some puppeteer work. You can even see me in the credits.

Also,

I'm on a book!

And on HBO for like, two seconds in 'Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight.'

I'll get more funny stuff up here eventually. Until then, this at least serves as proof that I've been busy.

Helen of Troy

I did a show recently.
We performed at LaMaMa, then toured in Portland.
Here, check out some clips:



My favorite part is the phone going off in the audience.

Anyway, if I do more of this show, you should probably watch it. Then you can see everyone else yell, too!

Jokes.mpeg

As I've mentioned before on here, I occasionally stream videogames over at Deepgamers.com, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Seriously, if you go there, the most common thing you'll see is a bunch of jerks insulting each other nonstop.

Anyway, recently one user on the site got annoyed in an exhausted state and decided to flip out a bit, culminating in an angry email being sent to the owner of the site. Another user took a horrible screenshot of the email with his cell phone, and a series of reaction images followed.

In the end, this is what happened:


Hit the jump if you want to see all the pictures and know who and what is going on.

Bieber Without Bieber

So recently, this happened.

If you don't want to click the link there, let me describe it to you. Justin Bieber made a music video of his rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." It is Steampunk themed. Steampunk enthusiasts became rather unhappy about this.

I, however, saw this as a challenge. What if you took the video and removed Bieber and the movie tie-in clips? Would it become better for those who have a severe dislike of pop music? Or is it doomed forever?

This is the original video:

***WARNING: CONTAINS BIEBER AND 3D CHRISTMAS MOVIE***


And this is the "Bieber Minus Bieber" version:



CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!

(Disclaimer: I have nothing against the Bieb. His music isn't for me, but anyone willing to Steampunk it up can't be all bad. I just thought this would be a neat experiment in the "Garfield without Garfield" line of reasoning. So don't send me angry emails, tween girls, you're creepy.)
(Double disclaimer: Already mentioned where the video comes from, the music is a section from Dr. Steel's "Build the Robots." Hopefully both parties can take the joke.)

My Overly Long Reel

As some of you may know, I am an actor.
As such, I needed an acting reel. So, I made one myself.

It is way too long. Professional ones are usually about 2 minutes, but this gives me something to show off to the internet. I'll likely make a shorter one later.

Enjoy.

Deep Games

Little bit of a cop-out this time, as I just want to share some videos I made recently for a website I stream on, Deepgamers.com. A place where people stream videogames, while others watch and chat. Most of us are terrible people, so be warned if you decide to go there.

Anyway, a long time ago, one of the other streamers, going by the name CANADA, recorded a fake Wendy's narration. Another member of the site, PneumaticHat, put sexy music onto it. I then added video. So enjoy the best commercial ever:





Oh, and if you need proof as to how terrible we are, just look at this:

Dman (the owner of the site) doesn't even answer when his grandma calls. Tsk.

Next time, I'll try to actually write something.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Once again I've worked with Justice Productions on a short film for Philadelphia's Project 21. Here's a trailer!


Show up in Philly for the Film-a-thon on the weekend of October 1-3 if you can to see the whole film and show some support for some talented filmmakers.

Now, because I always feel a little guilty when I promote anything I do, here's something completely unrelated to me to make up for it:


It's like greased lightning.

Advanced Robotics

July 2010. The robot untethered distance record has been broken again. Cornell University’s Ranger robot has taken the record by traveling 14.3 miles unassisted by any wires or tethers to hold it upright. The competition in the world of robots is fierce, and the results are quite impressive.

Now, this being the internet, as soon as word breaks out that robots have become better, faster, stronger, smarter, or in any way better than they used to be; tons of site start writing articles about how robots are going to take over the world. Thing is, robots are ridiculous and often rather dumb.

Case in point, take a look at a video of the record breaker the last time it broke the record:



A box with spindly long cartoon bug legs.

It can break walking records, sure, but that’s all it can do. Most robots that exist are only really good at a few select things. They can walk,

Swim,


Solve Rubik’s cubes,


Show emotions,


But never all at once.

It would take a combination of all these traits on order to become truly terrifying.

The Ranger robot’s competition, Big Dog from Boston Dynamics, is supposed to have a combination of these traits. It previously took the title of distance walking from Ranger and is also capable of balancing itself over any kind of terrain.

Yet look, not terrifying:


Oh wait, that was Little Dog. Boston Dynamic’s smaller model of the robot. THIS is Big Dog:


AAAAHH!

Ok. That’s pretty creepy. Did you see it? It moves like it’s ALIVE, even on ice! You can kick the monster, but you can’t stop it. It just keeps moving, heading towards some unknown goal while making a terrible grinding noise that came out of someone’s nightmares.

There’s even been talk of Big Dog having military applications. Mostly just to carry things around though, so no matter how creepy it might become at least we don’t have to worry about it being used as any kind of weapon. Besides, how would someone weaponize an unstoppable charging machine?



Oh. That’s how.

Well, even if the robots can become more powerful, we still have nothing to worry about…


…because they’re still dumb.

The Gaming Industry is Silly

So, E3 happened recently. The supposed gaming mecca, where journalists get to see all the new amazing things that game companies will be bringing out over the next year and where retailers get to understand a little more about what they’re selling (and maybe even pick a few new things to sell). Consumers love to find out the news from the convention, partially because they’re obsessed with gaming and partially because the event is always full of nonsense.

What kind of nonsense?

How about Cirque du Soleil coming out with a giant animatronic elephant…

…in order to promote a device specifically made to make you look dumb in your living room?

Those are images of people playing some games on Microsoft’s new ‘Kinect’ camera, which makes you the controller. You can now be the tool used to play your games.

Tool is right.

Or what about Sony’s answer to the Kinect and the Wii, the new Playstation Move?

Yup. Multicolored wiimote lollypop. Works about the same, too.

Obviously, this means everyone is trying to copy Nintendo’s success by adding their own motion control systems. If Nintendo is the one being copied, though, how can they possibly be more ridiculous than the competition?



By being Nintendo, that’s how. A handheld system with 3d effects without 3d glasses, and company guys making silly faces.

It’s not just the first party companies who can make absurd nonsense happen, though.

Konami had Mexican wrestlers show up to promote a luchadore game:



Finally, EA unveiled a game with the most absurd one-liners that I’ve ever seen (it starts around 2:50 in):



I do not speak train.

E3. Total nonsense.

I don't speak Italian

I know I've been gone for a while. Very busy time lately.

However, I have something to show for it:



This was done in 48 hours by some of the most talented people in the entertainment industry, from writing to editing. I'm one of the actors. Enjoy.

Doubled Over

I did something stupid recently.

You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.

This thing.

This fucking thing right here.

Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.

I love how they act like we’ve been asking for this for years.

I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.

When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.

Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.

When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.

KFC has done such before

Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.

When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”

The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…

…let’s just call it a vague warning.

VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.

*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*

Well, it’s that time of year again. It comes earlier and earlier every year, and unsurprisingly it began even before Halloween this year. That’s right, I’m talking about those blasted holidays. The time where everyone loses their minds entirely over CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS BUY SHIT HOLY CRAP IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have any problems with the holidays in general. A time of year where the family gets together for good or ill, feasting and festing for over a month, then wrapping it all up with the idea of getting a fresh start in a new year. All of that sounds great. Unfortunately, that all gets buried under tons and tons of nonsense. Things like how you need to buy this shiny fancy new thing for those you care about or they’ll never love you ever ever again, or morons crying about an imaginary “war on Christmas” because they believe their holiday and way of life is more important than anyone else’s. A bit of a selfish line of thinking for a season described as one of giving, isn’t it?

It’s this same overblown defense of a holiday in absolutely no danger that had me wondering recently: where the hell did this start? How could anyone come to the conclusion that anyone was out to annihilate Christmas?

Then I figured it out.

Christmas specials.

Every year, kids watch specials on TV, where CHRISTMAS IS IN DANGER AND ONLY (insert name here) CAN SAVE IT. Ernest, Elmo, Tim Allen, a ragtag group of kids, Air Bud’s puppies, the list goes on. There was even a porno made with the theme of saving Christmas! It’s been pounded into impressionable minds for years that every year some maniacal jerk is going to come out of the woodwork and kill Santa, curb stomp baby Jesus, or burn down every toy store in the country.

My theory is that these same kids grew up and found themselves ready to fight for their holiday like they’d seen in so many adventures, but in a world where no one really gave enough of a crap to even try to stop Christmas from happening. When one is so intent on believing that an enemy could strike at any time, but no enemy exists, inventing one is the next best thing. Thus, every story about some neighborhood scrooge, every time Christmas isn’t treated like the only holiday of the season, it is all taken as attacks from this unseen monster bent on destroying their beloved celebration and we get to watch them go insane.

If these people could just look around clearly for a second, they might notice that their holiday is safe as can be. It’s already eaten all of December and November and caused the day after Thanksgiving to be one of the finest examples of humanity at its worst. It has power.

So please, if anyone reading this is upset that their precious Christmas is being attacked, do me a favor and shut up. I’d like to keep my Octobers for creepiness and my Novembers for gluttony.

Besides, do you really want to defend a holiday that causes things like this to happen?

I didn’t think so.

If that video wasn’t enough to get you to hate those kids, try going here and seeing some of their other cheers. I recommend ‘Vegetarian RSVP’ for an extra dose of rage.

After all that pain, I need something to make me feel better about the world…

Ahh. Much better.

Tobasco: Now With Radiation!

Seriously, is this not one of the most terrifying commercials you've ever seen?

It's like a mix of the Blue Man Group, a barbershop quartet, and my goddamn nightmares. It's also incredibly catchy, so you can find yourself singing the song later and reliving the terror of having your food come alive all over again.

I'm not going to just drop something like that on you and run, though. So here's a nice palette cleanser:

Manly.