So recently, this happened.
If you don't want to click the link there, let me describe it to you. Justin Bieber made a music video of his rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." It is Steampunk themed. Steampunk enthusiasts became rather unhappy about this.
I, however, saw this as a challenge. What if you took the video and removed Bieber and the movie tie-in clips? Would it become better for those who have a severe dislike of pop music? Or is it doomed forever?
This is the original video:
***WARNING: CONTAINS BIEBER AND 3D CHRISTMAS MOVIE***
And this is the "Bieber Minus Bieber" version:
CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!
(Disclaimer: I have nothing against the Bieb. His music isn't for me, but anyone willing to Steampunk it up can't be all bad. I just thought this would be a neat experiment in the "Garfield without Garfield" line of reasoning. So don't send me angry emails, tween girls, you're creepy.)
(Double disclaimer: Already mentioned where the video comes from, the music is a section from Dr. Steel's "Build the Robots." Hopefully both parties can take the joke.)
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Halloween House
November.
I hate November.
“Hey Larry, you can take the decorations down! Halloween’s over!”
I REALLY hate November.
I guess I should explain. Every year, my house is known as the best for Halloween. Whenever the neighborhood had a Halloween decoration contest, my house always won. Eventually they refused to consider my house for the running, saying that I had won too many times in the past, it was time for someone else to win. It was all fine to me, I never wanted to compete anyway. You see, I never put up any decorations, this is just the way my house is.
Sure, during October, everyone loves my house and wants tips from me. I have to buy tons of candy for all the trick-or-treaters that come my way, even. Once November 1 rolls around, though, my house goes from being the hot spot in town back to being that weird place that bleeds from the walls.
Yeah, that’s right, bleeds from the walls. Only on the inside, thankfully. Still, company doesn’t stay over very long.
Between that, the constant cobwebs, the indescribable moaning coming from inside the walls, and the spectral images in any reflective surface, I’ve become something of an outcast to anyone that has ever come over.
Outside doesn’t fare much better. Bats circle the chimney, an eerie glow is seen in the windows of rooms no one is inside, and pumpkins grow wild all over the yard. Er…
Pumpkins is the wrong word.
Jack-o-lanterns.
Jack-o-lanterns grow wild. Already with faces carved into them. Sometimes the faces seem to change from day to day, as if they’re moving while no one is watching.
I’ve been told many times to stop carving up my pumpkins in the middle of the year. “It’s March,” they say, “There’s no reason to have your pumpkins carved like that. How are you even growing them out of season?”
They just don’t seem to get it. I have no control over my house anymore. I haven’t bothered in years.
I used to, you have to understand. I used to try to cut away the jack-o-lanterns. They would just grow back twice as numerous. I used to try to clean up the cobwebs, blood, and other substances I can only assume to be some sort of ectoplasm. It all comes back twice as strong as soon as I look away. I even tried to get the house exorcised, figuring I must be on top of some ancient burial ground or similar typical curse scenario. Nothing worked, and no cause for all this has ever really been found.
So, every year, come November, I start hearing about how I “should really take down all my Halloween decorations, they’re scaring the children,” and every year I try to explain that I have lost all control over my property.
They never listen.
They always forget.
So every November: “Halloween’s over, Larry!”
God, I hate November.
Oh, and before you tell me to just move out, you try moving to a new place when no one will buy your old haunted monstrosity.
So, I’ll be here. Year after year. Quietly hating my situation.
Do come over for tea sometime. I could really use the distraction. Just, try not to mind the blood dripping down the walls.
I hate November.
“Hey Larry, you can take the decorations down! Halloween’s over!”
I REALLY hate November.
I guess I should explain. Every year, my house is known as the best for Halloween. Whenever the neighborhood had a Halloween decoration contest, my house always won. Eventually they refused to consider my house for the running, saying that I had won too many times in the past, it was time for someone else to win. It was all fine to me, I never wanted to compete anyway. You see, I never put up any decorations, this is just the way my house is.
Sure, during October, everyone loves my house and wants tips from me. I have to buy tons of candy for all the trick-or-treaters that come my way, even. Once November 1 rolls around, though, my house goes from being the hot spot in town back to being that weird place that bleeds from the walls.
Yeah, that’s right, bleeds from the walls. Only on the inside, thankfully. Still, company doesn’t stay over very long.
Between that, the constant cobwebs, the indescribable moaning coming from inside the walls, and the spectral images in any reflective surface, I’ve become something of an outcast to anyone that has ever come over.
Outside doesn’t fare much better. Bats circle the chimney, an eerie glow is seen in the windows of rooms no one is inside, and pumpkins grow wild all over the yard. Er…
Pumpkins is the wrong word.
Jack-o-lanterns.
Jack-o-lanterns grow wild. Already with faces carved into them. Sometimes the faces seem to change from day to day, as if they’re moving while no one is watching.
I’ve been told many times to stop carving up my pumpkins in the middle of the year. “It’s March,” they say, “There’s no reason to have your pumpkins carved like that. How are you even growing them out of season?”
They just don’t seem to get it. I have no control over my house anymore. I haven’t bothered in years.
I used to, you have to understand. I used to try to cut away the jack-o-lanterns. They would just grow back twice as numerous. I used to try to clean up the cobwebs, blood, and other substances I can only assume to be some sort of ectoplasm. It all comes back twice as strong as soon as I look away. I even tried to get the house exorcised, figuring I must be on top of some ancient burial ground or similar typical curse scenario. Nothing worked, and no cause for all this has ever really been found.
So, every year, come November, I start hearing about how I “should really take down all my Halloween decorations, they’re scaring the children,” and every year I try to explain that I have lost all control over my property.
They never listen.
They always forget.
So every November: “Halloween’s over, Larry!”
God, I hate November.
Oh, and before you tell me to just move out, you try moving to a new place when no one will buy your old haunted monstrosity.
So, I’ll be here. Year after year. Quietly hating my situation.
Do come over for tea sometime. I could really use the distraction. Just, try not to mind the blood dripping down the walls.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Holiday Wilderness Survival Guide
Thank you for purchasing the latest in our series of survival guides aimed at making sure you aren’t taken by surprise by the numerous mythological and supernatural creatures that inhabit this world. If you’ve already read some of our other guides, including “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits,” “Supernatural Survival - When ‘Who You Gonna Call’ Doesn’t Cut It,” and “Great Old Ones - When The Deep Timeless Void Fhtagn’s Your Day;” then you already know the extensive detail our researchers go into to make sure you survive your encounters.
In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.
So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.
Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”
Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.
Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.
Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.
Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.
Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.
Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.
Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.
In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.
So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.
Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”
Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.
Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.
Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.
Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.
Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.
Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.
Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.
Monday, February 14, 2011
WTF Batman
This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
This one’s the best, though.
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
Or is it the grappling hook?
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
I’m Batman
I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.
First off, there’s his face:
I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY
WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?
But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.
Where it really gets dumb is the items.
I’m Batman. This is a batarang.
Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.
Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.
So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!
This one’s the best, though.
I’m Bat…what is this?
Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?
I’m Grim Reaper Batman.
Or is it the grappling hook?
I’m Batman. I can climb real high.
So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.
I’m overburdened!
None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.
Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Well, it’s that time of year again. It comes earlier and earlier every year, and unsurprisingly it began even before Halloween this year. That’s right, I’m talking about those blasted holidays. The time where everyone loses their minds entirely over CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS BUY SHIT HOLY CRAP IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have any problems with the holidays in general. A time of year where the family gets together for good or ill, feasting and festing for over a month, then wrapping it all up with the idea of getting a fresh start in a new year. All of that sounds great. Unfortunately, that all gets buried under tons and tons of nonsense. Things like how you need to buy this shiny fancy new thing for those you care about or they’ll never love you ever ever again, or morons crying about an imaginary “war on Christmas” because they believe their holiday and way of life is more important than anyone else’s. A bit of a selfish line of thinking for a season described as one of giving, isn’t it?
It’s this same overblown defense of a holiday in absolutely no danger that had me wondering recently: where the hell did this start? How could anyone come to the conclusion that anyone was out to annihilate Christmas?
Then I figured it out.
Christmas specials.
Every year, kids watch specials on TV, where CHRISTMAS IS IN DANGER AND ONLY (insert name here) CAN SAVE IT. Ernest, Elmo, Tim Allen, a ragtag group of kids, Air Bud’s puppies, the list goes on. There was even a porno made with the theme of saving Christmas! It’s been pounded into impressionable minds for years that every year some maniacal jerk is going to come out of the woodwork and kill Santa, curb stomp baby Jesus, or burn down every toy store in the country.
My theory is that these same kids grew up and found themselves ready to fight for their holiday like they’d seen in so many adventures, but in a world where no one really gave enough of a crap to even try to stop Christmas from happening. When one is so intent on believing that an enemy could strike at any time, but no enemy exists, inventing one is the next best thing. Thus, every story about some neighborhood scrooge, every time Christmas isn’t treated like the only holiday of the season, it is all taken as attacks from this unseen monster bent on destroying their beloved celebration and we get to watch them go insane.
If these people could just look around clearly for a second, they might notice that their holiday is safe as can be. It’s already eaten all of December and November and caused the day after Thanksgiving to be one of the finest examples of humanity at its worst. It has power.
So please, if anyone reading this is upset that their precious Christmas is being attacked, do me a favor and shut up. I’d like to keep my Octobers for creepiness and my Novembers for gluttony.
Besides, do you really want to defend a holiday that causes things like this to happen?
I didn’t think so.
If that video wasn’t enough to get you to hate those kids, try going here and seeing some of their other cheers. I recommend ‘Vegetarian RSVP’ for an extra dose of rage.
After all that pain, I need something to make me feel better about the world…
Ahh. Much better.
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