Half-Assed Recipe Time

Recently, for a holiday potluck party, I decided to do something special and make some savory treats for my friends. They came out somewhat unique and were a big hit, so I'm going to share the recipe with you. One problem, though:

I don't measure anything.

So I'm just going to describe things and show you a couple pictures. You can figure it out from there.

JUSTICE MEAT PIES

First, gather your ingredients:

You will need:
Some ground beef (I don't know how much, just cook it real quick in a pan till it's nice and brown)
Mashed potatoes (I just made a pouch of instant potatoes, directions are on the box)
Broccoli or your vegetable of choice (See how much is in that bowl? A lot less than that)
Cheese (Shredded is best)
Pastry (I used pie crust dough, any kind of dough you like will do)
An egg (Just one, beaten to make an egg wash)

There's a little bit of preparation to do beforehand with everything. Make sure the meat, potatoes, and veggies are already cooked, and the egg wash is ready to go before you start doing things with the dough. It's best to let the dough sit out and get to room temperature while you prepare.

Now that everything is ready, roll out your dough.

Roll it out and cut out circles. You'll be folding the circles in half, so make sure that the size of half a circle is as big as you want the finished meat pie to be. Something I noticed when I made these is that they are actually better tasting at a smaller size. So, either plan to use these as semi-large hors d'oeuvres, or to have a couple of them for a meal.

Now for the fun part:

Stuff the circles!

You won't need much, unless you're going against my advice and making some gigantic meat pies. Just a little bit of each ingredient, not even a full spoonful. Some meat, veggies, potato, cheese, all piled in the center of the circle. Don't let it get too close to the edge or you'll have trouble closing it, and not too high or else you'll overstuff it. Since there were going to be some vegetarians at the party, I made sure they could have some pies as well:

I just made sure to not put meat in theirs.

Now, be sure not to overstuff these things, or else they'll pop in the oven and you'll just have a little ball of dough with all of the insides leaking out next to it. It'll probably happen anyway, but a small leak due to a slight overstuffing is better than a really overstuffed pie that just has everything leaking everywhere.

Small mess > big mess

That's all I'm really trying to say there.

You might notice that I have my dough on some little plastic things. Those plastic trays actually fold over and crimp the edges of the dough for me, removing a whole step from the process for me. If you don't have those, don't worry, you don't need them.

Now that you have the small pile of delicious in your dough, brush a little egg wash around the edge of the dough, and fold it in half. If you don't have the fancy crimping thing I do, just take a fork and press the edges together with it, the egg wash will act as a glue to hold the whole thing together.

Be sure to poke a hole or two in the pastry to let out steam while it cooks, or else you'll get those leaks I was talking about earlier. You don't want those. Holes are important. I can't stress this enough. Make holes.

Also, brush some egg wash on top of the pastry. It'll give you a nice golden brown when you bake it. It can also serve as a glue in case you decide to do like I did:

I had extra dough which I used to put letters on the pies. Since the party was a bunch of members of Justice Productions, the word Justice was the only natural choice. I had a system, too. Consonants (J,S,T,C) had the meat and vowels (U,I,E) were vegetarian.

In the end, with the amount of dough I had, I was able to make somewhere around 20-30 pies. I still had tons of ingredients left over, so if you make around as much as I did in that first picture, you'll have enough to make way more than 30 small pies. Enough for just about any party.

As for baking, just bake like the instructions on the box of dough should say. Usually around 350 or 450 for about 20 minutes. You'll know they're done when they reach a nice golden brown.

The numbers aren't important. Measuring, timing, etc. I do none of that. This is easy to make, just have fun and know what to look for and you'll do fine.

Or burn everything.

GOOD LUCK!

Doubled Over

I did something stupid recently.

You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to get really ridiculous food when I can. Things I’ve never tried before, things no one else is willing to try, things that would likely kill someone; that kind of stuff. I’ve wrapped potato chips in bacon, poured clam chowder on fried eggs, and even ordered a baconator from Wendy’s. None of this prepared me for the kind of nonsense KFC is pulling right now, though.

This thing.

This fucking thing right here.

Everyone’s been talking about it. People who haven’t eaten it speculating how quickly it will kill you, people who have eaten it wondering if they’re going to die, and KFC all the while telling us that it’s the best thing to ever happen to food.

I love how they act like we’ve been asking for this for years.

I actually bought one of these monsters (the combo with potato wedges and a drink in case I found myself unable to stomach the ‘sandwich’ or if I just wanted to be that fat). I took the bullet so you don’t have to, and I really recommend that you don’t. You don’t feel good buying it, you don’t feel good eating it, and you certainly don’t feel good afterward. If that doesn’t deter you, and you find yourself still wanting to double-down on the bet against your life, then at least let me describe the experience you will go through.

When you first get the sandwich, you may still think you’ve made a good decision. It smells like anything else from KFC, so you’ll be lulled into a false sense of delicious security.

Don’t worry. This good feeling will pass.

When you open the box and actually look at what you bought, the first thing that should be apparent is that it doesn’t look like a sandwich where the bread is replaced with chicken. It looks like a pile. Just a mess of food piled on top of each other.

KFC has done such before

Touching the sandwich, you will only be greeted with a greasy feeling that doesn’t go away. I don’t mean that metaphorically, it isn’t shame. It’s actual grease. It cuts through the wax paper they give you, and I’m surprised it doesn’t eat through the little cardboard box or paper bag. Don’t bother with napkins, they won’t do anything anyway. Just accept your greasy hands as your very own scarlet letter.

When you eat it, you’ll notice the taste isn’t anything unexpected. Chicken, bacon, cheese, sauce. All of those flavors together and yet separate somehow. The first few bites will be fine as long as you like KFC, but sooner or later the vast amounts of grease and salt will have you feeling a fast food coma long before you finish. As a very astute friend of mine put it, it is like “taking a bite of the last moments of your life.”

The worst part, however, is the aftermath. I don’t feel comfortable describing it without setting this entry up with some kind of mature rating, so…

…let’s just call it a vague warning.

VERDICT: I’d eat it again. Keep in mind, though, that I hate myself.

*Thanks to Biorr for the best descriptive phrase ever.*

Beans, Beans, Beans, Beans

Jellybeans. Little candies beloved by all. Every year, if you celebrate Easter, you likely obtain a ton of them. Over the past few years, I keep collecting them and haven’t been able to finish them. Thus, I have an overabundance of the things and recently decided to track down some ideas of what to do with them:

BAKE THEM

The most common of the options. Tired of eating plain jellybeans? BAKE THEM IN STUFF. If you look online for any kind of jellybean recipe, this is what you’ll find. It makes sense to put sweet things together, but you still have to chew gummy-textured little things. If you’ve ever looked at a giant pile of jellybeans after eating too many of them, you know this option is terrible.

So, no getting jelly stuck to teeth…how about:

DRINK THEM

Another abundant search result. As with just about anything edible, people will turn their candies into booze. Leave candies in vodka or some such liquor for a time until they dissolve and leave their flavor in the alcohol. Simple and popular. So popular, in fact, jelly belly even makes their own drink mixes. I have a bit too many jellybeans on my hands, however, so doing this would just make me die of alcohol poisoning.

No intoxication, then. Maybe if I:

MAKE OTHER CANDY WITH THEM

Jellybean brittle. Yes, it’s possible to melt them down, mix them with other ingredients, and make other kinds of candy with them. An interesting idea, sure, but something seems a little off about something crunchy having the same flavor as jellybeans.

Still, that’s not as weird as making them crunchy by:

FRY THEM

You can thank Texas for this. Deep fried Jellybeans. Rolled in funnel cake batter first, which I suppose makes it a bit more normal. Still, though, is there anything left that we as a species haven’t deep fried? Cookies, candy bars, hamburgers, and now jellybeans? I might try this option anyway, since I am American and as such need deep fry oil to live, but I don’t want to be a stereotype.

Can’t be pigeonholed when you:

MAKE MANDARIN CHICKEN WITH THEM

Wait, what? That doesn’t make much sense, but-

LARRY KING

No, this is just getting silly now-

BACON

…
Goddamnit, internet.