Holiday Wilderness Survival Guide

Thank you for purchasing the latest in our series of survival guides aimed at making sure you aren’t taken by surprise by the numerous mythological and supernatural creatures that inhabit this world. If you’ve already read some of our other guides, including “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits,” “Supernatural Survival - When ‘Who You Gonna Call’ Doesn’t Cut It,” and “Great Old Ones - When The Deep Timeless Void Fhtagn’s Your Day;” then you already know the extensive detail our researchers go into to make sure you survive your encounters.

In this installment, our researchers have gone out and studied the best survival techniques against the rarest of creatures. Usually, you’ll only run into these deadly monsters once a year, but there have been escalating reports of off-season activity, most likely due to global climate change and encroaching human settlements.

So, pay attention to the advice given here and hopefully you’ll survive any holiday thrown at you.

Welcome to “Holiday Survival - Ho Ho How To Live.”

Leprechauns - Threat Level: MEDIUM - Usually spotted in early spring, this species runs rampant in Ireland and the UK. It is similar in appearance to the Northern Snow Elf, but wears almost entirely green, has a wider head, and is often found somewhat drunk. Most commonly found in fields of clovers or near the ends of rainbows. Legend states that this creature will give you a pot of gold if caught, but this is ill-advised. While small, they are quick to violence if pursued and can cause a number of injuries. If attacked, you can distract the Leprechaun with either money or alcohol to buy time to escape.

Easter Rabbits - Threat Level: LOW/MEDIUM - Large rabbits found in the spring, sometimes seen in odd colors. These creatures are very stealthy and meetings are rare. If you are to see one, they will most likely run from you due to their secretive nature. If cornered, however, their sharp buckteeth can cause severe lacerations.

Halloween Monsters - Threat Level: VARIOUS - Refer to “Horror Creatures - How To Live To See The Credits” for these holiday beasts.

Groundhog’s Day Groundhogs - Threat Level: NONE - It’s a groundhog.

Santas - Threat Level: MEDIUM/HIGH - This creature is usually seen only in the winter, just before the end of the year. It can be recognized by its human-like appearance, often reported as looking like an obese elderly man wearing a red and white wooly outfit and carrying a large sack. Sometimes it has even been reported as riding what looks to be a sleigh being pulled by a team of flying reindeer.
If you spot a Santa in the company of reindeer, do not panic. This is when the creature is at its least dangerous, as it is most likely in transit to another area. Just stay out of the creatures’ path and you’ll be fine.
At times, you will encounter Santas in cities or town centers. Usually in areas where there would be a large number of children, such as malls, schools, or children’s hospitals. It is assumed that the Santa feels safe in these areas as children remind the creature of its ally, the Northern Snow Elf. In these cases, it is best to avoid contact with the Santa or any Elves with it, but it isn’t much of a threat. If you see children around the creature, DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO, the children are safe. Reports of Santas attacking youths are extremely rare.
If you encounter a Santa in your home, DO NOT PANIC. This is, however, an extremely dangerous situation, and you should take all appropriate measures. If you find a Santa in your home, stay UNSEEN, stay QUIET, and get out of the room IMMEDIATELY. If you are spotted, the Santa will likely render you unconscious before leaving. Whatever you do, DO NOT ATTACK. Any act of aggression will end badly on your part, as a fully mature Santa can overwhelm even the strongest man.
If you find yourself encountering a Santa in the wild, look around. If you are in a snowy area and there are a large number of Northern Snow Elves around, you have likely stumbled upon a Santa nest. If this is the case, GET OUT OF THE AREA AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There have been very few reports of a person finding a nest and living to tell the tale, we cannot even say for sure what will happen to you. The best way to avoid such a situation is to make sure you never stumble into a Santa’s territory to begin with. Candy cane structures, twinkling lights, and the aforementioned Elves are all a dead giveaway that you’re getting too close.

Flying Reindeer - Threat Level: LOW - Another winter find, the Flying reindeer is fairly harmless. Just stay out of their path and avoid their horns and you’ll be fine.

Northen Snow Elf - Threat Level: NONE/LOW - Yet another winter find. Can be recognized by its red and green wardrobe, pointed ears, and childlike height. A Northern Snow Elf on its own is almost entirely harmless. They are master builders and can fashion a defensive object out of anything, but they are more likely to run from you than attack. The only time they are any threat is if you happen across a swarm of them. Swarms, however, can only be found near Santa nests, as the creatures share a symbiotic relationship. Refer to the above Santa entry on how to avoid such nests.

WTF Batman

This past Christmas, I got a nice little surprise in my stocking.

I’m Batman

I’m a big fan of ol’ Bats, so I appreciated it, but it didn’t take long for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with this toy.

First off, there’s his face:

I’m Batman. And I’m just…so….HAPPY

WHY IS BATMAN SMILING? Does he not realize that his parents are dead and that his life is spent beating up badguys to the point where he can’t even enjoy being filthy rich?

But whatever. It’s a children’s toy. Kids can’t go around thinking about life and death, regrets, and the day to day pain of a complete psychological breakdown. Besides, it could be an aftereffect of some Joker gas, or maybe he just had some intimate time with Catwoman or Talia al’Ghul or Robin or something.

Where it really gets dumb is the items.

I’m Batman. This is a batarang.

Look at the size of those batarangs. No one’s going to throw those. Those look more like they were made to club a criminal to death with. Again, though, I can kind of let it slide because it’s a children’s toy. Can’t make the batarangs proportional to Batman, or else they’d be really small and a serious choking hazard.

Because kids just can’t resist the taste of batarangs, and neither can I.

So delicious, your airways will be blocked with joy!

This one’s the best, though.

I’m Bat…what is this?

Seriously. A cane? Did he steal that from the Riddler? Is he wizard? Or is it something to throw the oversized batarangs with, like some kind of twisted lacrosse?

I’m Grim Reaper Batman.

Or is it the grappling hook?

I’m Batman. I can climb real high.

So yeah, I have no idea what the thing is. I do know one thing, though.

I’m overburdened!

None of this crap is fitting in the utility belt.

Note: Don't eat batarangs. That's just dumb.

Corrections

We would like to offer our sincere apologies and make retractions for the following mistakes readers have pointed out in previous editions of our paper:

Last Tuesday, p7, in our story on underdogs overcoming the odds, Mrs. Edna Harkinson actually described her status with her siblings as “the runt of the litter.” We apologize for the typo and profanity.

Yesterday, p1, our cover story about the fire on Watson street should have contained a picture of the event. Due to an oversight error, a picture of one of our reporters drunk and without pants was run instead.

Monday, p13, in the classifieds section we unwittingly ran an ad for “Adolph’s ovens.” We believed this was an actual kitchen appliance manufacturer, when in reality it was a horrible hoax. We will show more quality control in our future ads.

Wednesday, p4, we reported that the recent murders uptown were committed by a suspect described as “qgyrjhbahlajhr jqaryola vbayrbklliur.” This was due to an editor’s cat walking on their keyboard. We would like to offer a very sincere apology to Mr. Jqaryola for the unintended defamation.

Last Sunday, p7, in our story on Mount Rushmore, it was erroneously reported that the faces on the mountain were of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Marc Summers. Marc Summers is, of course, a TV show host, and not a former President.

Thursday, p3/p9, we accidentally described the “Over 80’s Ladies Book Club” as “a ravenous den of bloodthirsty creatures, hellbent on the destruction of our entire civilization.” This, of course, belonged to our report on the threat of a den of rabid bears outside of town, which received the description of the book club, “a group of elderly women dedicated to reading and who adore having visitors stop by unexpectedly.” We would like to apologize to the book club for the angry mob who came after them, and to the families of those murdered while bringing tea and casseroles to the rabid bear den.

Yesterday, p17, our heartfelt apologies to everyone related to those mentioned in our obituary page. All of the pictures of the deceased were instead replaced with pictures from our story on slaughterhouses.

Thursday, p12, Little Jackie Young has won the county spelling bee three times, not two.

One final correction, for the past 12 years, we’ve misprinted the price of our paper as 75 cents, when it has actually been $1. Anyone who has been purchasing our paper within that time can send the remainder of what they owe to our head offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.